


Love of My Life

by EveryFandomHybrid



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crowley Needs a Hug (Good Omens), Crowley was Raphael before he fell, Cutting, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, Hurt Crowley (Good Omens), Implied Sexual Content, Kind of non consensual content, M/M, Sad Crowley (Good Omens), Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, TRIGGER WARNING DONT READ THIS IF ANY OF THESE THINGS TRIGGER YOU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 00:35:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 46
Words: 20,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19983133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EveryFandomHybrid/pseuds/EveryFandomHybrid
Summary: When Crowley and Aziraphale get into a fight, they both go their separate ways. This has a big impact on both of them, but they find themselves unable to believe that they can come back from this argument. Will they be able to mend their relationship before it's too late?





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: THIS FIC WILL HAVE GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SELF HARM AS WELL AS SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND A SUICIDE ATTEMPT. IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THESE OR ARE TRIGGERED BY ANY THESE, PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS. PLEASE READ ALL OF THE TAGS!!!

“Angel, I’m not good for you” Crowley confessed one night while sitting next to Aziraphale on the sofa in the bookstore. “I’m a demon, all I do is bring chaos and destruction and if I’m not careful-“ Crowley cut himself off, he didn’t want to think about that.

“My dear-“ Aziraphale began, but Crowley just continued his drunken rambling. 

“You’re so perfect and beautiful and bright, I’ll never be good enough for you!” He gestured to himself as if trying to make a point. 

“Crowley you’re already perfect as you are, I don’t see what you’re talking about,” Aziraphale said, confused. 

“I’m a demon!” Crowley took a sip of his wine. “I’m filthy, evil, unforgivable, unlovable-“ He stopped to take a breath. “I’m just a demon and a pathetic one at that. I mean, look at me! Too soft, too kind, too nice...” He trailed off and hung his head. “I shouldn’t even be able to feel these things for you, angel,” He mumbled, as Aziraphale stared at him in shock. 

“Crowley, I-“ Aziraphale cut himself off, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. “I didn’t know that you felt that way about yourself, dear. If you had told me I could have helped you!” 

“Help? There’s no help for me. There’s only eternal damnation and suffering!” Aziraphale flinched back, frightened by Crowley’s sudden outburst. Crowley looked apologetic for a second before continuing. “See? We’ve known each other for 6000 years and you’re still afraid of me! You’ve said it yourself- we’re not friends, never were, and never will be,” Crowley stood up to leave, towering over Aziraphale. 

“Crowley, please listen to me!” Aziraphale pleaded. Crowley whipped his head back around to look at Aziraphale 

“Why should I?” He growled, anger and panic starting to seep into his voice. 

“Because I-“ Aziraphale cut himself off with a strangled noise. 

“See? You can’t come up with anything!” Crowley stormed off, slamming the door behind him. Aziraphale stared at the door and sunk into the couch, his head hanging low. 

“Because I love you,” Aziraphale whispered to the empty room, his voice echoing back but providing no answer.


	2. Chapter 2

Crowley stormed out of the bookshop and quickly sobered up before getting into his car. He sped away from the bookshop and towards his flat. When he reached his flat, he rushed inside and immediately started pacing. His heart kept urging him to go back and apologize to Aziraphale, but his mind told him to leave him be. Crowley eventually decided to ignore Aziraphale and sleep for a few days. A few days turned into a few weeks, which eventually became a few months. 

When Crowley finally woke up, about eight months had passed and he had nearly a hundred messages from Aziraphale. The first ninety or so messages consisted mainly of Aziraphale apologizing to him and begging him to answer. By the time he reached the last of the messages, Crowley could tell Aziraphale was starting to lose hope. Dread filling him, Crowley played the last message and Aziraphale’s weary voice soon played through the machine. 

“Fine. Don’t answer me. I’ll just find someone else to talk to, someone who doesn’t ignore me for months on end without and explanation. I guess this is goodbye for now.” The last message had been recorded two months ago and Crowley doubted he would get another. 

“He’s better off without me anyway, all I’ve ever done is hurt him,” Crowley mumbled to himself. “Maybe now that he’s gone I can actually try to be a better demon. No one to reprimand me for doing something evil anymore so I might as well stir up some trouble.” Crowley strutted out of his flat with a purpose, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in the recesses of his heart. A single snap of his fingers and a few unfortunate souls found themselves in a car accident. Another snap of his fingers and even more people soon found themselves in the hospital. Crowley continued on like this, gradually increasing the risks of his demonic miracles until eventually, Aziraphale noticed. Now, Crowley hadn’t been expecting Aziraphale to notice his work, much less care so much as to come to see him face to face and Crowley soon found himself facing one very angry angel. 

“Why are you doing all these horrible things?” Aziraphale asked Crowley, arms crossed in anger. 

“What do you mean, angel? I’m a demon, it’s what I do.”

“Yes, but recently you’ve been endangering people’s lives! You never do that!” Aziraphale exclaimed. 

“Oh really? Well maybe you just don’t know me as well as you thought you did,” Crowley huffed. 

“But I- You’re not- I’ve known you for 6000 years, Crowley!” Aziraphale stumbled out. 

“I guess I’ve changed,” Crowley shrugged his shoulders before turning around to leave. 

“Wait!” Aziraphale called out and reached for Crowley’s shoulder, but Crowley lifted his hand and blocked Aziraphale from touching him.

“Don’t.” He turned around to glare at the angel before continuing in the direction of his car. 

“Crowley wait!” Aziraphale tried again, this time catching the corner of Crowley’s sleeve. 

“Let. Go. Of. Me.” Crowley slowly turned around to face Aziraphale again. 

“I don’t think I will.”

“Then I guess I’ll have to make you,” Crowley threatened. 

“You wouldn’t-“ Aziraphale began, but it was too late and he found himself sitting on the ground, hand covering a burning red mark on his face as he watched Crowley’s silhouette walk away from him. Shock flooded through Aziraphale, soon followed by distress. In all the 6000 years that they had known each other, Crowley had never once hit Aziraphale. “I guess he really has changed…” He mumbled to himself, too hurt to try and chase after Crowley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALL THE ANGST (It gets worse, I'm sorry)
> 
> Feel free to leave comment if you have any criticism or suggestions!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND SUICIDE ATTEMPT

As Crowley walked away from Aziraphale, guilt flooded through him. He had hurt his angel. His only friend for 6000 years. They had never had an argument quite like this before and Crowley knew there was no coming back from this. When Crowley reached his flat, he sunk to the ground and let out all the emotions that he’d been bottling up. Tears dripping down his face, he let himself succumb to the darker thoughts in his mind. 

“I could always go to a church, plenty of those around here,” he mumbled. “I should end it all before I have a chance to hurt Aziraphale again. Holy water should do the trick, it’ll leave no mess and there won’t be any evidence left behind.” Crowley rose to his feet, his mind made up. “I’ll say my goodbyes and then I’ll head to the church around midnight.” He walked to his plant room. “Goodbye lovely plants, I’ll miss you. I’ll tell Aziraphale to take care of you, don’t know if he’ll actually listen though.” He stroked a shaking leaf, tears falling down onto it. “Goodbye,” he whispered before leaving the room to write a note. 

_ ‘Dear Angel, I’m writing this note to you before my final moments. I just want you to know that I never meant to hurt you and I thoroughly enjoyed the past 6000 years we’ve spent together.  _

_ -With love, Crowley _

_ P.S. Take care of the plants for me!’  _

Tears dripped down his face and onto the paper, smudging the ink. “Goodbye angel,” Crowley whispered as he walked out of his flat, note in hand. He drove to the nearest church and parked his car outside of it. No one else was there of course. He went through the doors of the church and started walking down the aisle, barely taking notice of the burning feeling of walking on consecrated ground. He paused before the bowl of holy water and took a deep breath before miracling his note into the pocket of Aziraphale’s coat. “Is this what you wanted, God? For me to suffer until it finally became too much?” He asked, head tilted towards the heavens, of course receiving no answer. Crowley took another cautious step towards the bowl of holy water before carefully lifting it in his hands. “I guess this is it,” he thought before dumping it over his head. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SORRY I'LL GIVE EVERYONE FREE HUGS TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU
> 
> ALSO I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS ONE BEING SO SHORT


	4. Chapter 4

Aziraphale was sitting on the couch in his library, unable to sleep. A book was resting in his lap, but he wasn’t reading. His mind was elsewhere, occupied with thoughts of Crowley. A sense of dread and foreboding hung over Aziraphale like a storm cloud. “Oh dear, I do hope nothing is wrong,” Aziraphale mumbled to himself, wringing his hands in worry. The room was starting to feel far too hot and Aziraphale’s head was spinning. As he got up to take off his jacket, he noticed something in his pocket. “Odd, I don’t recall putting anything in my pocket,” he mused before unfolding the piece of paper. Aziraphale instantly recognized Crowley’s messy scrawl and blinked in surprise. “Final moments? What does that mean?” Aziraphale mumbled, warning flags going off in the back of his mind. By the time he had finished reading the note, his mind was racing with possibilities. “He wouldn’t- no, he’d never do that, would he…?” Aziraphale soon found himself rushing out of his bookshop and towards the nearest church. 

On the way to the church, Aziraphale could feel his worry getting stronger as well as the demonic aura that seeped out of Crowley. “Please no-“ He started running and soon reached the church, only to be greeted by a single Bentley in an empty parking lot. “No no no no…” Aziraphale rushed into the church, only to find it desolate. “Crowley? Crowley are you here? Please come out, this isn’t funny,” Aziraphale made his way towards the place the bowl of holy water would usually be. “Come on Crowley, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me! I forgive you! You can make it up to me if you want, we can go eat lunch at the Ritz and-“ Aziraphale stopped in his tracks. 

The bowl of holy water was lying facedown on the ground and the floor around it was sopping wet. “No no no no no no _ no _ ,” He sunk to the ground, kneeling next to the puddle of water on the floor. “Crowley please- dear come on, this- this has to be a cruel joke or something…” His voice broke on the last word as he choked back a sob, tears starting to drip down his face. “You can’t be gone, I need you!” Aziraphale cried out, now sobbing. His tears joined the holy water on the floor, a heartbreaking reminder of what had happened. 

Eventually, Aziraphale picked himself up off the ground and slowly started to walk out of the church. His eyes and nose were red from crying and his voice was scratchy from wailing in anguish. He knew he looked like a mess, but that was the least of his worries. His best friend and the love of his life were dead and there was nothing he could do about it. Aziraphale stumbled out of the church and found himself walking towards Crowley’s flat. He soon found himself at the door of Crowley’s flat and hesitated for a brief moment before opening the door and entering. Just being in Crowley’s flat almost brought Aziraphale to tears again, but he pushed them back. He slowly walked through the flat, taking his time to carefully look at every little thing. Eventually, he found himself in the plant room, the memory of Crowley’s last request burned into his mind. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you,” he whispered to the plants. “I promise.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry there's just more angst, everyone can have all the free hugs they need


	5. Chapter 5

A few months later, Aziraphale found himself surrounded by books and plants, but an empty void in his heart where Crowley should be. He kept finding himself excitedly turning away from his book to tell Crowley about it, only to find an empty space next to him. He had also been slacking on his duties as an angel and hadn’t been performing many miracles. This had gotten him a strongly worded note from Gabriel, but he still couldn’t find it within himself to do anything. Aziraphale was expecting Gabriel to drop by sometime soon to encourage him to do his job better, but he really wasn’t feeling up to it. He was filled with too many regrets and too much sorrow to do anything. 

The plants Aziraphale had moved into the bookshop- Crowley’s plants- were flourishing. Their leaves were a vibrant green and they were much less anxious than they had been under Crowley’s reign of terror. However, the presence of the plants only made Aziraphale miss Crowley more. 

A part of him still wanted to believe that Crowley was alive- that he had gone to Alpha Centauri and he was busy gazing at the stars, but Aziraphale knew that wasn’t the case. He had seen the holy water soaking the floor. He had seen the Bentley parked outside the church. He had read the note that had been miracled into his pocket. Crowley was gone for good and he was sure of it. Aziraphale turned on the radio in an attempt to drown out his thoughts but it only made him feel worse as soon as he heard the lyrics. 

_ Love of my life, you've hurt me _

_ You've broken my heart and now you leave me _

_ Love of my life, can't you see? _

_ Bring it back, bring it back _

_ Don't take it away from me, because you don't know _

_ What it means to me _

_ Love of my life, don't leave me _

_ You've stolen my love, you now desert me _

_ Love of my life, can't you see? _

_ Bring it back, bring it back (back) _

_ Don't take it away from me _

_ Because you don't know _

_ What it means to me _

_ Obrigado _

_ You will remember _

_ When this is blown over _

_ Everything's all by the way _

_ When I grow older _

_ I will be there at your side to remind you _

_ How I still love you (I still love you) _

_ I still love you _

_ Oh, hurry back, hurry back _

_ Don't take it away from me _

_ Because you don't know what it means to me _

_ Love of my life _

_ Love of my life _

_ Ooh, eh (alright) _

Of course, it was Queen- Crowley’s favorite musical artist. On top of that, the song was very sad and perfectly displayed how Aziraphale was feeling. He found that he didn’t really mind the music, sad as it was- and continued to let it play. The next song that came on was also very sad and seemed to reflect Aziraphale’s feelings as well.

_ “Is it raining where you are?” _

_ The only thing I could think to ask _

_ But nothing ever hurt so bad _

_ As the “no” that you said back _

_ But ain't that the truth, man _

_ Those are just facts _

_ The farther you go from where you start _

_ The harder it is to get back _

_ Love of my life, gone forever _

_ Love of my life, gone for good _

Aziraphale let the song play in the background as he tried to sort out his thoughts, but he was quickly distracted by the sound of the bell that rang whenever a customer came through the door. “We’re closed!” He shouted out but didn’t bother to get up from the couch he was seated on. 

“Aziraphale, it’s Gabriel,” A voice announced from behind the angel. “We need to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Aziraphale I've put him through so much TwT
> 
> Edit: You have no idea how much your comments mean to me so thank you if you decide to leave a comment! Also because I don't really have a plan for this and I'm just letting the story write itself, feel free to comment what you want to see in a later chapter and I'll try to add it if possible!


	6. Chapter 6

Aziraphale stood in front of Gabriel, hands clasped behind his back. 

“I assume you know why I’ve stopped by,” Gabriel said with a smile. 

“Ah well- is this about my work performance recently?” Aziraphale asked, 

“Yes! Very good Aziraphale.” Gabriel exclaimed with a clap. “You haven’t been performing many miracles lately, now why is that?”

“Well, I-“ Aziraphale started, only for Gabriel to cut him off again. 

“It seems that your performance went downhill after the demon…” 

“Crowley?” Aziraphale supplied. 

“Yes, Crowley. Anyways, it seems that you stopped working as hard after he took his own life with holy water, correct?”

“Ah, I guess so, yes…” Aziraphale timidly answered. 

“Well anyways! If you don’t start working harder, we’ll have to punish you. We could always torture you with hellfire…” Gabriel paused to look at the shocked expression on Aziraphale's face. “Yes we figured out the whole switch thing, how else would we explain Crowley dying in holy water? Anyways, we’re not going to torture you in hellfire, but if you don’t start performing more miracles, we may just have to cast you out of heaven.”

“I’ll… fall?” Aziraphale questioned. 

“Yes, that’s right. You’ll fall and become a demon just like your friend Crowley,” Gabriel confirmed. “Anyways, that’s all for now! I’ll be checking on you in about a month to see if you’ve improved! If not… well, we’ll just hope it doesn’t come to that.” Only after Gabriel left did Aziraphale allow himself to breathe again. 

Aziraphale sunk into his couch- encounters with Gabriel always left him drained and he needed to recover, especially after that one. After all, he’d just learned that he would fall from Heaven and become a demon if he didn’t perform more miracles. Which was just ridiculous since he wasn’t really going against God in any way, but he supposed he didn’t have the authority to question Gabriel

“Well, how bad could it be? It’s not like it can get much worse than it already is,” Aziraphale mumbled to himself. “Crowley, if you’re out there somehow, please give me a sign. Anything really, just something to let me know that you’re still alive,” Aziraphale pleaded, though knowing that no one would hear, much less answer his prayers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is a little on the shorter side today, the next one will be longer! I hope you're enjoying this so far, feel free to leave a comment if you are!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM

Unknown to Aziraphale, someone actually did hear his prayers. This someone was living only a few miles away, in a flat much like their old one. Crowley had been tending to his new plants when he had heard someone reach out to him, begging him to give them a sign if he was alive. Guilt swamped Crowley, but he pushed it down. He couldn’t reveal himself to Aziraphale, not after everything that had happened. He didn’t want to hurt his angel any more than he already had, though every part of him was screaming at him to run to Aziraphale and never let him go. 

Crowley was honestly surprised that Aziraphale hadn’t found him yet. He looked the same and he only lived a few miles away from him. Though, he didn’t really venture out of the house much except to feed the ducks at the park. Crowley sighed and wandered over to his bedroom to sleep. With thoughts of Aziraphale plaguing his every waking moment, he was sleeping as much as he could. He had occasionally woken up when the nightmares had become too much, but he had quickly decided that nightmares were better than the guilt that ate at him when he was awake. 

After the failed suicide attempt, Crowley had gone into hiding. He had soon found himself falling down a rabbit hole of depression that had only worsened with time. He wasn’t eating anything and he could feel his body slowly getting thinner and weaker. On worse nights, Crowley sometimes found himself giving in to his darker thoughts, succumbing to the urge to harm himself. Now, cuts and scars marred his body. Even though he couldn’t really die, his corporation could still be damaged and it brought him some sort of sick satisfaction to watch blood ooze out from under his skin. 

Tonight was one of those nights and Crowley soon found himself holding a razor blade to fight off the guilt. He rolled up his sleeves and took a breath before sliding the blade across the skin on his wrist, pushing down on it and digging it into his flesh. He watched the blood bubble up through the cut and made another, continuing until his left arm was covered in red lines. Crowley paused to look at his handiwork for a bit before snapping his fingers to make sure he didn’t bleed out. He could always miracle his body to be immortal, but that wasn’t quite as exhilarating. Either way, it’d probably be a smart idea to make sure his body could never run out of blood. Crowley snapped his fingers again. “I wonder what would happen if I slit my own throat…” He mused. “I guess I’ll just find out after I wake up.” Crowley snapped his fingers for a final time and he was soon sleeping soundly. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry but here's more ANGST and everyone can have a free hug


	8. Chapter 8

Aziraphale spent the next month trying to perform more miracles, though he rarely had the motivation to leave his bookshop. He could only hope that he’d done enough by the time Gabriel next decided to drop by. After a little over a month of Gabriel not checking in, Aziraphale started to get anxious. He had no idea when Gabriel would next show up and it was starting to make him nervous. He continued to do as many miracles as he could from the comfort of his shop for about two months until Gabriel finally arrived. It had been a normal day for Aziraphale and he had been lounging on his couch when Gabriel had walked into the shop. No explanation on why he was a month late, he had just waltzed in like he owned the place and started discussing Aziraphale’s improvements over the last two months. 

“Well the amount of miracles you’ve been doing these past two months is enough, but it’s still not quite as much as you were doing before. I’m going to have to ask you to perform more if you want to keep being an angel.” Gabriel explained to Aziraphale. “I’ll see you in a month!” Gabriel exclaimed with a condescending smirk. 

“Wait!” Aziraphale called out, but it was too late. Gabriel had already left and Aziraphale was left alone in his shop once again, wondering why God had forsaken him. Eventually, Aziraphale forced himself to go outside and perform a few more miracles. Soon, Aziraphale found himself visiting restaurants more often, as not eating for a few months had really had a drastic effect on him. He still tried to avoid any places that reminded him of Crowley, the memories were just too painful and ripped apart his heart just a little more every time he was reminded of him. Occasionally he would pass the park that he and Crowley used to meet up and catch a glimpse of someone who looked similar to Crowley, but whenever he looked back at them, they were already gone. Aziraphale quickly decided that this person was merely a figment of his imagination, nothing more than an illusion caused by his grief-ridden mind. 

As the days passed, Aziraphale found himself just a little bit more motivated to go outside and eat at his favorite restaurants again. He sent a silent thank you up to Gabriel, even if he hadn’t actually meant to help Aziraphale. After about two more months and two more check-ins from Gabriel, Aziraphale was almost back to normal. He ate just as frequently as before and slept just as much, as little as that was. He even mustered up the courage to go to some of his favorite places that he used to go to with Crowley. Aziraphale was actually doing quite well now, but there was still a Crowley shaped hole in his life that no amount of time would ever heal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m going to start school soon so I might not be able to update daily, I have 14 chapters planned out at the moment but I’m nowhere near finished


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM

After a couple of months of sleeping with the occasional break to go outside, Crowley finally woke up. As usual, the guilt flooded through him as soon as he awoke and he immediately remembered what he had wanted to test before he had gone to sleep. Crowley snapped his fingers and soon a knife appeared in his hands. It was sharp. Sharp enough to get the job done. He took the knife in his hands and brought it towards his neck. He pressed it against the skin and swiftly pulled the knife across his neck. Blood immediately started gushing out and soon the pain of the wound outweighed the overwhelming guilt that he usually felt. After about an hour of his neck gushing blood, Crowley finally decided to miracle it healed. With a sigh of disdain, Crowley dragged himself out of bed and did his best to ignore the fresh blood splatters that painted his bedroom. 

“Good thing I have black sheets,” He mumbled to himself hoarsely, vocal cords still sore from being sliced open. “Angel, I wish I could tell you that I’m still alive, but I’m afraid you wouldn’t like the new me and I don’t want to hurt you again,” Crowley said to no one in particular, but it felt a little good to get off his chest. “I’ve seen you walking outside recently, you’re doing fine and you’re better off without me. I hope you’ve found someone else to talk to like you said you would.” With that, Crowley snapped his fingers to get ready for the day and headed out the door. It was cold that day, so at least Crowley had a reasonable excuse for wearing a turtleneck. Not like that mattered anyway, he’d probably still have worn a turtleneck even if it was as hot as the fires of hell. 

The first thing Crowley did was head to the park to feed the ducks. He had always had a bit of a soft spot for them, probably just because he had seen them so often in the park. He glanced around, trying to make sure Aziraphale wasn’t walking past the park like he usually did. If Aziraphale saw him, it would all be over before he could say ‘tickety-boo’. Unfortunately for Crowley, he was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice the figure approaching him to the right until it was too late. 

“Hello!” A very familiar voice chirped to Crowley’s right, causing him to jump. “Oh, I’m so very sorry if I scared you, dear! I was just thinking, from afar you look like a good friend that I lost recently.” At this point, Crowley was starting to panic. If he talked, Aziraphale would recognize his voice for sure and if he turned to face him- well, he’d be done for. “Sir, are you okay?” A hand on Crowley’s shoulder brought him out of his thoughts and he involuntarily turned to face the owner of said hand. Crowley immediately winced when he realized his mistake and watched as Aziraphale’s face fell in shock. 

“Wha- Crowley?” Aziraphale exclaimed and Crowley instantly knew that he had messed up. 

“Uh- well- Hey angel,” Crowley stuttered out. 

“You’re alive? Why didn’t you tell me! I’ve been grieving you for months do you know how painful it was? I thought I’d lost you forever!” Aziraphale shouted and Crowley flinched back from him. “Dear, are you okay?” He asked, softer. 

“Ah- well you see- I-“ Crowley stumbled over his words, not quite able to form a full sentence. 

Aziraphale quickly pulled Crowley in for a tight hug.

“I’m never letting you go,” Aziraphale whispered, his breath tickling Crowley’s ear. Crowley instantly blushed and tried to pull away, but Aziraphale’s hold was too strong for his weak body to escape from. 

“I- I’m sorry, angel,” Crowley took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for hurting you, I understand if you don’t want to forgive me even though I hurt you multiple times and I know that I deserve all the pain in the world for making you hurt and making you worry and I-“ Crowley’s rambling was cut off by Aziraphale. 

“Shhh, it’s okay dear, I forgive you,” Aziraphale mumbled before finally letting Crowley go. “I’m just happy that you’re alive and okay. How did you survive, anyway?”

“Is rather not talk about it, sorry angel,” Crowley muttered, averting his eyes. 

“Ah, right. Well, do you want to come to the bookshop? I moved all your plants into there and you could check on them while we drink, I have some wine leftover from 1914.” Aziraphale suggested with a hopeful look in his eyes. 

“Oh well I- sure,” Crowley reluctantly complied, still unable to resist anything his angel requested even after all these years. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was painful to write cause poor Crowley but it's fine cause look there's happiness too


	10. Chapter 10

As soon as they reached the bookshop, Aziraphale ushered Crowley to take a seat and started making tea for the two of them. A few minutes later he came back into the room with two cups of tea and handed Crowley one of them. 

“Thank you, angel,” Crowley smiled softly at Aziraphale before taking a sip of his drink. 

“Careful dear! It’s still hot!” Aziraphale exclaimed in distress, but Crowley just continued to sip the tea. 

“‘S not that hot,” Crowley mumbled, taking another sip of the tea. 

“Well anyway, how have you been? I missed you, dear,” Aziraphale asked with a hurt expression on his face. 

“Good I suppose,” Crowley lied, trying to suppress the guilt that threatened to overthrow him. 

“I- I’m glad to hear that,” Aziraphale said. “Why didn’t you let me know that you were still alive? I thought you had died!”

“I didn’t think you’d want to see me again anyway after I-“ Crowley cut himself off, taking a sip of tea and audibly swallowing before he continued. “After I hit you…” Crowley said softly, quiet enough that Aziraphale could barely hear them. 

“Crowley I-“ Aziraphale began. 

“Don’t.” Crowley seemed to curl in on himself. “I know what you’re going to say, but you shouldn’t- you can’t just forgive me like that! I hurt you and I don’t deserve to be forgiven.”

“Of course you do, dear!” Aziraphale exclaimed, starting to sense that Crowley was becoming more closed off. “Everyone deserves to be forgiven.”

“Not me. I’m a demon, I’m unforgivable- it’s part of the job description,” Crowley glanced towards Aziraphale, guilt hidden behind dark glasses. “I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again. I’m unforgivable, unlovable, filthy, and evil!”

“Crowley…” Aziraphale trailed off, unsure of what to say and Crowley swiftly finished his tea. 

“Right well, I should be going now, thanks for the tea,” Crowley abruptly stood up and set his cup down on the table in front of the couch. “See you later, Angel.”

“Crowley, please!” Aziraphale stood up, almost spilling his tea. “Wait…”

“Sorry Angel, but I have to go now,” Crowley turned away and started walking towards the door. “Later.” With that, Crowley walked out of the bookshop and resisted one of Aziraphale’s requests for the first time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop whoop more angst


	11. Chapter 11

Aziraphale spent the next few days contemplating what could be wrong with Crowley. He had noticed that Crowley was growing more distant before everything had all gone wrong, but hadn’t thought much of it.

Aziraphale now also knew that Crowley had self-esteem issues and had attempted suicide, but he didn’t think that Crowley would be depressed. Well, it was possible but he didn’t want to think about the possibility of that being the case. Anyways, he would have noticed if Crowley was depressed, right? He had known him for over 6000 years, after all! Even so, there was still a nagging feeling in the back of his mind that told him something was very wrong. 

With those thoughts on his mind, Aziraphale spent the next week thinking about the past 6000 years and anything he could have missed. There were a few times that he could remember where Crowley showed signs of depression, but not many. Crowley had slept through a whole century, but that had only been about once or twice. There was also that time that he had asked for holy water, but that had been proven to be just in case hell tried anything. Other than that, Aziraphale couldn’t think of any other evidence that Crowley was depressed. He was stumped. 

“Maybe I’ll just ask Crowley? No, even if he was depressed he’d probably lie about it- he doesn’t like being seen as weak,” Aziraphale pondered one dreary morning as he was sipping tea at his desk. “I could always try to sense it I suppose…” He took a sip of tea. “I’ve only ever been able to feel love in the past, but maybe if I try hard enough I could see if I could feel anything else. Maybe I can test it out on some humans beforehand, just to see if it’ll work.” 

With that thought, Aziraphale finished off his tea and decided to wait for customers. A few minutes later, a lovely couple rushed into his shop, probably to escape the rain that just started to pour from the clouds. One of them was a grumpy looking, dark-haired male. The other was an energetic, blonde male that almost seemed to radiate sunshine. An odd couple, Aziraphale noted. “Hello!” Aziraphale greeted them. “Let me know if I can help you with anything.” The couple nodded and started to look around the bookshop. 

While they were doing that, Aziraphale decided to try and test his theory. He closed his eyes and reached out toward the dark-haired one’s aura. He pushed his mind further into their aura, trying to feel their emotions. Eventually, he felt something. There was love- obviously for their partner, but there was also something else. He tried to prod at the feeling and draw it closer so he could examine it. It was dark, sad almost. Was this depression or was it some other feeling? Before he could figure out anything else, a voice interrupted his thoughts. 

“Sir? Can I buy this book?” Aziraphale opened his eyes and looked toward the owner of the voice, it was the blonde. 

“Yes, of course, dear!” Aziraphale exclaimed and quickly rung up the book. 

“Thank you!” The blonde exclaimed before leaving the shop with their partner. 

“Well, it worked somewhat but I need more practice on understanding emotions and auras,” Aziraphale mumbled to himself. “Maybe that lovely lady- Anathema was it?- maybe she can help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow Aziraphale’s figuring it out!


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning, Aziraphale drove to Tadfield. He soon found himself at his destination and knocked on the door of Anathema’s quaint little cottage.

“Coming!” Anathema called out from inside her house, her voice muffled by the door. A few moments later, Anathema opened the door. “Oh, good morning Aziraphale! Come inside.”

“Thank you, dear,” Aziraphale smiled at her and followed her inside. Anathema led him to the kitchen and they both sat down at the table. 

“So why are you here? You usually don’t visit without a good reason,” Anathema inquired. 

“Ah well you know a lot more about auras than I do and I was hoping that you could help me out a little bit,” Aziraphale explained to her. 

“Of course I’ll help you, what do you need to know?” Anathema asked. 

“I wanted to know what the different colors and things meant,” Aziraphale stated. 

“Oh yes, there are a lot of them so listen closely…” Anathema began teaching Aziraphale about everything that she knew. 

  
  


~~~

  
  


“...and that’s all you really need to know about auras! Feel free to visit again any time or give me a call if you need to know more,” Anathema smiled warmly at Aziraphale.

“Thank you, Anathema, it means a lot,” Aziraphale said in gratitude.

“It’s really no big deal- I mean you  _ did  _ help avert the end of the world and all,” Anathema reassured.

“Well you did too, did you not?” Aziraphale asked with a chuckle.

“I suppose so,” Anathema mused. “Would you like some tea before you leave?”

“No, I’m quite alright, but thank you for thinking of me!” Aziraphale exclaimed. “Well, I’ll be leaving now so thank you again for helping me out, dear.”

“Okay, come back any time!” Anathema called out as she saw Aziraphale out the door.

“Well that was quite productive,” Aziraphale mused to himself as he walked away from her cottage. “I think I can definitely read auras better after that, though I might need a little more practice.”

  
  


~~~

  
  


When Aziraphale arrived back at his bookshop it was nearly closing time, so there weren’t many people there. There were a few people though, and that was enough for Aziraphale to practice reading auras. He focused in on the nearest person- they were leaning against one of the bookshelves, book in hand and clearly enraptured by its words. Their aura was a light yellow and he was pretty sure that meant they were optimistic. 

Aziraphale looked toward a new person who and found that they had a lavender aura. If he was remembering correctly, that meant that they were a creative person. He closed his eyes and felt deeper into their aura- another thing he had learned from Anathema was that even though you can’t see depression on the surface of an aura, you can dig into the aura and tap into their feelings. This person was feeling calm and happy, but they were slightly sad. 

Aziraphale opened his eyes to check the clock and was surprised to find that there were only five minutes until closing time. Oh well, he was pretty sure that he had gotten enough practice and he should be able to test it on Crowley tomorrow. That is, if Crowley will agree to meet him after how he had stormed off the last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just started school today so I might not be able to update every day. I have 4 more chapters prewritten right now but I don’t know how much more I’ll be able to write with school


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: ALCOHOL AND KIND OF NON CONSENSUAL CONTENT

As Crowley walked out of the bookshop and away from Aziraphale, his thoughts were a mess of self loathing and guilt. He should’ve tried harder not to lose his temper, Aziraphale would definitely avoid him from now on. Even if Aziraphale tried to talk to him again, he doubted it would go well and he might accidentally hurt Aziraphale again. 

Crowley would do  _ anything _ to make sure that he didn’t hurt his angel again- hell, he might even beg for someone to kill him if he were to ever hurt Aziraphale again. He unconsciously scratched at his wrist and tried to get rid of his train of thought, but to no avail. Maybe a little pain would distract him from his thoughts? No, that wouldn’t do, not now at least. Alcohol. That should do the trick. 

A few minutes later, Crowley found himself in a bar with a bottle of vodka in his hand. He was only a little tipsy, so it wasn’t quite drowning his thoughts out yet. He took another gulp, ignoring the slight burning in his throat as he swallowed it. He was about to take another gulp when someone sat down next to him. 

“Two Bloody Mary’s, please,” They said to the bartender before turning to Crowley. “So what’s got you all worked up?”

“Ah well-“ Crowley started, but he was interrupted. 

“Oh I’m Gabriel by the way.” He-  _ Gabriel _ said. 

“Anthony.” Crowley supplied in return. 

“Nice to meet you, Anthony.” Gabriel said. “So what’s got you down in the dumps? Got into a fight with your lover or something?”  _ Not far off _ Crowley thought bitterly. 

“Close. I got into an argument with my best friend- who I  _ am _ in love with so you really weren’t far off,” Crowley explained. 

“Ah that sucks,” Gabriel said before sliding a glass of alcohol over to Crowley. “Just in case you run out.” He said, gesturing to the bottle in Crowley’s hands. 

“Oh thanks,” Crowley said before taking another gulp of vodka. At this point, he was starting to get a little drunk and his thoughts faded into the background. 

“So Anthony,” Gabriel leaned closer to Crowley and he noted that he did in fact look a bit similar to the Archangel Gabriel, but was too drunk to care. “Do you want to forget about him? I can show you how.” Gabriel’s voice sent shivers down Crowley’s spine and at this point he was too drunk to think rationally so he just nodded. 

“Yeah sure, why not.” Crowley answered. 

“Alright, come on then,” Gabriel said and grabbed Crowley’s wrist. They both walked out of the bar and to what Crowley assumed was Gabriel’s car. “So, my place or yours?” 

“We can go to yours, I don’t think I can even remember how to get to mine right now,” Crowley replied and Gabriel started driving. 

“Here we are!” Gabriel announced after about ten minutes of driving. They got out of the car and Gabriel practically dragged Crowley inside his house. As soon as Gabriel shut the door, he tightly grabbed Crowley’s wrist and started pulling him upstairs. “Come on.” Gabriel growled and he led Crowley into a bedroom, locking the door behind him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you’re all ready to hate Gabriel more than you already do


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: GABRIEL BEING ABUSIVE

When Crowley woke up the next morning, his head was pounding and he had no memory of what had happened the night before. He snapped his fingers and the dull throbbing in his head went away. He opened his eyes to see that he was in an unfamiliar bed, in an unfamiliar, with an unfamiliar man. Wait no, his name was… Gabriel? Crowley’s eyes widened and he took the time to look at Gabriel. That was the Archangel Gabriel alright. He had  _ slept  _ with the  _ Archangel Gabriel _ . 

Crowley immediately got out of the bed and miracled himself some new clothes. As he was about to open the door to leave the room, a hand grasped his wrist firmly. He whirled around to see Gabriel smiling at him. 

“Now where do you think you’re going, sweetheart?” Gabriel said in a sickeningly sweet voice. 

“Away from  _ you _ , that’s for sure,” Crowley retorted. 

“I don’t think so,” Gabriel said, tightening his grip on Crowley’s wrist. 

“Let. Me.  _ Go. _ ” Crowley growled out.

“I will now, but trust me when I say I’ll be back,” Gabriel threatened before releasing Crowley’s wrist from his hold. “I’ll see you later.” Gabriel smirked as Crowley bolted out of the room.

~~~

“I am  _ never  _ getting drunk again,” Crowley muttered to himself when he arrived back at his flat. “Gabriel. Of all the people it could have been it was  _ Gabriel _ .” Crowley said bitterly while pacing around his flat. “He said that he’ll be back, what does that mean? Is he going to just randomly show up at my flat? I sure hope so.”

Now, Crowley had never felt the need for a shower before as he could just snap his fingers and he would be clean, but after the whole thing with Gabriel, he really wished he had one. Of course, he could just miracle one but that wouldn’t do much good if it wasn’t connected to the pipes and there were none in his flat. All he wanted was to scrub Gabriel’s tough away from his skin- he didn’t want the touch of the archangel who had tried to kill his angel anywhere on him. 

“Oh well, I can probably just find a public shower somewhere- maybe in a gym or something,” Crowley said to himself. He eventually decided to go to the gym and use one of the public showers there. He got into the Bentley and drove to the nearest gym before going immediately into one of the showers. 

The feeling of water repeatedly hitting his skin was relaxing and he let his thoughts wander. His mind ended up focusing on Aziraphale and the fight that had happened. Crowley really needed to get more control over his temper- that was the third time that he had snapped at Aziraphale recently. He found himself wondering why he was being so short-tempered as of late. ‘ _ Because you love him and he doesn’t love you back’  _ his mind supplied. Well, that was true, but what reason did he have to be mad? He supposed it was probably because he was a demon and the seven deadly sins were his specialty, so wrath wasn’t really anything new. Though, it was new when directed at Aziraphale. He much preferred to focus his wrathful feelings towards Gabriel and himself, never Aziraphale. 

_ Gabriel _ . That’s right, the reason Crowley came to the showers. He miracled up a washcloth and started scrubbing at his skin. He didn’t stop until his skin was raw and red- until he finally felt clean. He quickly finished up in the shower and miracled himself dry before miracling up some new clothes as well. He drove back to his flat, deciding to think about Aziraphale and the newfound Gabriel problem later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok you’re going to hate Gabriel so much and I have a brilliant idea for future chapters


	15. Chapter 15

As soon as Aziraphale woke up the next morning, he immediately called Crowley. The phone rang for a while, but no one picked up. He tried calling again, but he just got the same results. “Oh I do hope he’s just sleeping, I’d hate for him to be mad at me,” Aziraphale muttered to himself. “I’ll just wait and see if he calls me back.” 

With that, Aziraphale selected one of his many books and started reading. His bookshop wasn’t open on Sundays, so he had all the time in the world to read. Just as he was nearing the end of the book, the phone rang and he bolted out of his seat to pick it up. “Hello?” He said into the receiver. 

“Yes hello this is Crowley, why did you call me earlier?” Crowley rushed out. 

“Ah hello, dear. I was wondering if you wanted to come over to the bookstore today? I’m closed on Sundays,” Aziraphale replied, noting that Crowley appeared to be more nervous and worked up than usual. 

“Yeah I know, I’ll be over in a few minutes,” Crowley said and quickly hung up the phone. 

“I wonder what that was about- he seemed very anxious. I do hope he’s okay,” Aziraphale murmured, before sitting back down to finish the last few pages of his book. A few minutes later, Aziraphale finished his book and sat waiting for Crowley. The faint sound of Queen alerted him to Crowley’s presence and he got up to greet him at the door. 

“Hello dear, what do you want to do today?” Aziraphale greeted Crowley. 

“We can do anything you like, I really don’t mind,” Crowley replied. 

“Okay, then do you want to go to the park and feed the ducks?” Aziraphale asked, happy to get back into their routine- especially after everything that had happened a few months back. 

“Yeah, that’s fine by me, angel.”

With that, they set out to the park in Crowley’s car. When they arrived, they found that there weren’t many people there which meant that they could sit at their usual bench in peace. Crowley opened up Aziraphale’s car door and they both walked over to their bench and sat down. As soon as they got comfortable on the bench, ducks started crowding around them. 

“I’m pretty sure all the ducks know us at this point- like, entire generations have probably imprinted on us so much that the instinct to crowd around us is in their DNA,” Crowley said with a chuckle. 

“I suppose so, we  _ have  _ been going here since it opened in 1892,” Aziraphale replied. They both shared a smile and Aziraphale took out the bread that he had brought with him for the ducks. They immediately started quacking at him and soon any ducks that hadn’t been swarming them were there. 

“Oh go- sata- somebody, we’re surrounded!” Crowley exclaimed and burst out laughing. The sound startled some of the ducks, but they were too focused on Aziraphale to really care. “We have an  _ army  _ of ducks at our command,” Crowley wheezed out. 

“Now don’t go getting any ideas, dear,” Aziraphale idly said and tossed some bread pieces toward the ducks, who immediately crowded closer and started fighting over it. 

“Honestly it’s a wonder these ducks can still float, much less walk with how much we’ve fed them over the years,” Crowley said after he finished laughing. His comment gained a halfhearted glare from Aziraphale and Crowley chuckled. “What? We  _ have  _ fed them for over a century now.” 

“I suppose we have,” Aziraphale said with a sigh, tossing out more bread for the ducks.

“So is there a reason you wanted me to spend time with you?” Crowley asked after a beat of silence.

“Wh- of course not! Why would you ever think that, Crowley?” Aziraphale stumbled out, clearly lying. 

“Aziraphale. I’m a demon, I’m not stupid- I can recognize lies as easy as it is to  _ breathe _ .” Crowley said, giving Aziraphale a disapproving look. 

“I- um- Crowley…” Aziraphale stuttered.

“So what is it? What do you need? Do I need to kill anyone for you? Is this about yester-” Crowley rushed out and Aziraphale cut him off.

“No no, there’ll be no killing anyone, and well- I suppose it is about yesterday…” Aziraphale trailed off, avoiding Crowley’s inquisitive gaze. Because of this, Aziraphale didn’t notice the way Crowley became more closed off, a careful mask of indifference settling onto his face. Crowley drummed his fingers against the fabric of his pants, still visibly nervous and uncomfortable.

“So what about yesterday?”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're finally talking WHOOP! Also I'm going to try and write a lot this weekend so I have enough chapters and I can update


	16. Chapter 16

Aziraphale squirmed under Crowley’s gaze. He hadn’t really wanted to directly confront Crowley with his suspicions, but he couldn’t exactly lie to him. It would have been so  _ simple _ if he could have just read his aura and left. But no. Crowley had to notice something was up and now Aziraphale was going to have to confront him head on. 

“Ah, well I- I um…” Aziraphale stumbled over his words, unable to get anything out. 

“Well? Say it,” Crowley demanded, his gaze hardening. Aziraphale took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves.

“Well, you see…” Aziraphale trailed off. “I just- I was wondering-”

“Come on, spit it out and get it over with,” Crowley growled as Aziraphale continued to flounder. “If you don’t say something soon, I’m leaving.”

“Well I was wondering if you…” Aziraphale muttered, the last part too quiet for Crowley to hear.

“What? Can you say that again?” Crowley asked.

“I was wondering if you-” Aziraphale took a deep breath. “-were depressed…”

“If I wasss…” Crowley started, his hiss slipping out due to his nerves. “What?”

“If you were-“ Aziraphale started, but Crowley cut him off. 

“No no, I heard you the first time,” Crowley said. “But why would you- what gave you that idea?” 

“Well I noticed how self deprecating you are and there’s also how low your self esteem is and that one time you asked for…” Aziraphale rambled.

“Angel. You’re rambling,” Crowley pointed out. 

“Oh yes, sorry,” Aziraphale apologized. 

“Anyways. The answer is no,” Crowley said tersely, lying easily. 

“Oh…” Aziraphale said. “I see…”

“Well can we continue on with our d- with feeding the ducks?” Crowley asked, still visibly tense. 

“Yes yes, of course,” Aziraphale said idly, lost in his thoughts. He tossed out some more bread for the ducks and took a quick glance at Crowley. The demon still appeared quite tense and he was facing away from Aziraphale. Crowley’s answer wasn’t sitting quite well with him- he felt like he was missing something. It would probably be best if Aziraphale were to read his aura anyway and make sure that Crowley wasn’t lying. 

Aziraphale focused in on Crowley’s aura, but he couldn’t seem to find it. He could feel it presence, but he couldn’t actually  _ see _ it. Oh well, just feeling the emotions in Crowley’s aura should be enough. He closed his eyes and felt deeper into Crowley’s aura. There was nervousness with a little happiness and flashes of…  _ love?  _ No no no, that couldn’t be right- demons can’t  _ love, _ can they? He focused more and found that the love was directed towards someone. Crowley, a  _ demon,  _ loved someone? That would mean that Aziraphale didn’t have a chance with him- if Crowley was already in love with someone else then Aziraphale had no chance. Oh well, that wasn’t what he was focusing on at the moment. He prides deeper and found something else in Crowley’s aura. Something dark and suffocating wrapped around Crowley. It felt like what Aziraphale had learned depression felt like, but it was more evil. 

Before Aziraphale got a chance to prod deeper, he was shaken out of his thoughts by Crowley abruptly getting up. Aziraphale opened his eyes and looked at Crowley, whos back was facing him. 

“Dear? Are you alright?” Aziraphale asked. 

“You really thought-“ Crowley turned around to look at Aziraphale with a dark expression on his face. “-that I  _ wouldn’t  _ feel you prodding around in my aura?” 

“I- uh, Crowley…” Aziraphale stumbled out. 

“You what? Thought that it would be a good idea to invade my privacy and my personal emotions?” Crowley snarled. “Those are private. You shouldn’t mess with something like that.”

“I- I’m sorry, dear,” Aziraphale looked down in shame. 

“ _ Sorry?  _ Sorry doesn’t undo what you’ve seen- whatever the heaven it was that you saw,” Crowley growled out. “Maybe you should mind your own business for once in your bloody life.”

“Crowley-“ Aziraphale started, but he cut himself off when Crowley stormed off. “I’m sorry…” He whispered to no one. He really shouldn’t have pried. Crowley was right- those were private emotions which he shouldn’t have messed with. Well at least he now had an answer, though he may have just ruined his friendship with Crowley. As long as Aziraphale could find a way to help Crowley, a way to make him happy- that would be enough. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MORE ANGST IM SORRY 
> 
> Also I finished my first week back at school! It felt so long


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: GABRIEL BEING ABUSIVE AND MANIPULATIVE

Crowley knew he had messed up. He had probably ruined their friendship-  _ again _ . He had just been so  _ angry _ that Aziraphale had done that. What if he had seen how Crowley felt for him? What if he had seen how Crowley felt about himself? There were so many what ifs and it scares Crowley. So he had run away. He had just hopped into his car and sped away. 

When Crowley reached his flat, something felt wrong. Now, his mind was a little preoccupied with thoughts of someone else and he didn’t really notice what was wrong until he had stepped inside. As soon as he had locked the door, he had been shoved against the wall and Gabriel’s face was mere centimeters away from Crowley’s. 

“So, lovers quarrel, eh?” Gabriel asked with a chuckle. 

“We’re not-!” Crowley started, but was cut off by Gabriel leaning closer. 

“How about I distract you?” Gabriel whispered and Crowley shoved him away. 

“No! I was drunk that time, okay?” Crowley growled out. 

“Drunk or not, you still did it,” Gabriel responded with a smirk. 

“You  _ do _ know lust is a sin, right?” Crowley tried. 

“I’m an archangel, I can do whatever I want, sweetheart,” Gabriel chided. 

“Yeah well so was-“ Crowley cut himself off, he didn’t want Gabriel to know that. 

“So was who, hmm?” Gabriel questioned. 

“No one, don’t worry about it,” Crowley said, trying to avoid the question. 

“Well I  _ might _ , but only if you do me a favor,” Gabriel said. “Or I could just, you know- make your ‘lover’ fall…” He mused, using air quotations around the word lover. 

“No! Anything but that- please,” Crowley pleaded, not wanting to lose Aziraphale  _ again.  _

“See? That’s more like it,” Gabriel smirked. “I’ll leave him alone if you do me a favor.”

“...What favor?” Crowley asked hesitantly. 

“Oh nothing much, just that you have to be my- what was the human word for it…?” Gabriel paused. “Oh yes! My  _ boyfriend _ .”

“But-“ Crowley started. 

“Just one word and he falls,” Gabriel warned. 

“...Fine,” Crowley gave in, sighing in defeat. He couldn’t put Aziraphale through that pain, not if he could help it. 

“Lovely!” Gabriel exclaimed and clapped his hands. “So, shall we get some lunch? Your treat.” 

“Ok...” Crowley muttered, having no choice but to go along with Gabriel. 

“Splendid! Get in the car,” Gabriel exclaimed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only have one more prewritten chapter SHOOT


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: GABRIEL BEING MANIPULATIVE

When they arrived at the Ritz, there was already a table waiting for them. While the drive there had only been a few minutes, the silence had seemed to spread out for ages. When they sat down at the table, the tension in the air around them was suffocating. Gabriel busied himself with reading the menu- he had recently learned the joys of human food and found that he rather liked it. Crowley sat there debating which a drink he should get from the vast selection of fancy wines. 

“So, what all do these humans do with their partners?” Gabriel asked all of a sudden and received a glare from Crowley, but no answer. “Now that’s no way to treat your boyfriend, now is it?” Gabriel said, an underlying warning in his words and Crowley gritted his teeth. 

“Why don’t you just look it up?” Crowley suggested before miracling Gabriel a phone and basically shoving it in his face. Gabriel took the phone and started using it- he had clearly had experience with phones before which was pretty surprising to Crowley. 

“Ah, so they do things like holding hands, cuddling, kissing…” Gabriel mused to himself. “...dates, gifts, and other sappy stuff.” 

“Pfft- as if you could ever be nice or sappy,” Crowley chuckled. 

“Do you really want to try me? I can-“ Gabriel was thankfully interrupted by the waiter delivering their food- well, Gabriel’s food. 

  
  


~~~

  
  


After the meal, Gabriel forced Crowley into the car again. 

“So where to now? I think the park should be lovely right now,” Gabriel said, already driving to the park. Crowley grumbled unintelligibly and sat there, stewing in anger. When they finally reached the park, Crowley was surprised when Gabriel opened his door for him. 

“What? I can be nice, can’t I?” Gabriel defended himself. 

“Sure, totally,” Crowley retorted and they started walking around the park. Well, it was more of Gabriel grabbing Crowley’s hand and dragging him through the park than it was a pleasant walk. They passed the bench that Crowley and Aziraphale usually met up at and Crowley felt a wave of guilt course through him. Here he was walking through the park with someone who had hurt his angel. Not like he really had a choice though. If he didn’t do this, Gabriel would make Aziraphale fall and Crowley didn’t know if he could live with himself if that happened. 

Crowley was snapped out of his thoughts by someone placing a hand on his shoulder. He looked toward the person and found that it was Gabriel. Of course it was- who else would it be? Certainly not Aziraphale, that was for sure. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Gabriel asked in a voice that was far too soft for his usual demeanor. 

“Huh? Oh yeah! Yeah ‘m fine,” Crowley rushed out. 

“You don’t seem okay,” Gabriel stated. 

“Well I’m fine,” Crowley hissed and pushed Gabriel away. “I don’t see why you of all people would care anyway.”

“You’re right, I don’t see why I should care about a demon,” Gabriel retorted, his demeanor completely changing. 

“Oh did I hurt Mr. Perfect’s feelings,” Crowley mocked, trying to change the subject. 

“No.” Gabriel glared at Crowley. “Well Heaven’s expecting me, so I’ll see you later.” 

“Great. I won’t miss you,” Crowley grumbled out, but Gabriel was already gone before he finished his sentence. “I do hope Aziraphale doesn’t find out about this, he hates Gabriel, after all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m all out of prewritten chapters now so I might not be able to update every day anymore, I’m sorry TwT


	19. Chapter 19

After the whole thing with both Aziraphale and Gabriel, Crowley decided to just hole up in his apartment for a while. He couldn’t bear to face Aziraphale, Heaven knows what he had seen in Crowley’s aura. As to why Aziraphale was poking in his aura? It was pretty obvious that it was because he hadn’t believed Crowley when he had said that he wasn’t depressed. 

This lead to the question of if Aziraphale had seen depression in his aura- was that even possible? He knew angels could sense love and he sure hoped Aziraphale hadn’t sensed that in his aura. But could they sense other things? Crowley didn’t know, but he was desperate to find out. He couldn’t talk to Aziraphale or Anathema, they’d definitely know that something was up. 

That left one option. Gabriel. As much as Crowley hated the angel and didn’t want to see him again, he didn’t really have much of a choice. Though, he figured he could put off them talking for a couple of days. Hell, he could put off them talking for  _ weeks _ and  _ months _ if he really wanted to, but he was anxious to know what Aziraphale could have seen. 

~~~

A few days later, Gabriel showed up at Crowley’s flat. Crowley had been trying to relax and calm his nerves before Gabriel’s next visit, but hadn’t been very successful. When Gabriel has suddenly appeared in Crowley’s flat, he had almost fallen off the couch and surprise. 

“Careful there, don’t want you falling.  _ Again. _ ” Gabriel teased him and Crowley shot him a glare. 

“You’re the absolute  _ worst _ , you know that right?” Crowley said, already dreading what he had to ask Gabriel. 

“Well aren’t you excited to see me,” Gabriel said with a chuckle. 

“No! I’m-“ Crowley cut himself off with a sigh. “Hey I need a favor, I have a question for you.”

“Well if you want a favor, you’re going to have to treat me  _ nicely _ \- like a proper partner would,” Gabriel suggested with a smirk. 

“I-“ Crowley thought about how much he needed to know what Aziraphale could see and made up his mind. “Fine. What do you want me to do?”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all are liking this so far! Please let me know if there's anything you'd like to see added into the story and I'll try my best to add it!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: GABRIEL BEING MANIPULATIVE

Crowley found himself in the kitchen making dinner for Gabriel. It had been a long day and Crowley was exhausted. He needed a shower and Aziraphale, but he’d only be getting one of those. The timer went off, pulling Crowley from his thoughts and he pulled the lasagne out of the oven. Crowley didn’t eat and he doubted Gabriel would be able to finish it all, but it didn’t hurt to be safe. Gabriel has figured out how desperate Crowley was for the favor and was taking full advantage of it. 

Crowley brought in the plate of food for Gabriel and sat down to wait for Gabriel to finish. “Can you  _ please _ answer my question now? I don’t get why you’re making me do all these things- it’s just a small question!” Crowley asked, exasperated. 

“Fine fine, what is it?” Gabriel asked, a smug expression on his face. 

“Ok finally! Can angels see auras? Like can they see or feel emotions other than love in someone’s aura?” Crowley asked. 

“I’m not sure, I  _ could  _ always try and test it out- I’m sure it’d be easy for me,” Gabriel answered. “I  _ am  _ an archangel, after all.”

“So? Can you?” Crowley asked and received a look that practically said “ _ really” _ . “Come on, I've been doing favors for you all day!”

“Fine. I will, _ but _ ,” Gabriel smirked at Crowley. “You owe me one.”

“Ugh fine, just-“ Crowley sighed. “Get on with it, will you?”

“Right right,” Gabriel offhandedly said and focused on reading Crowley’s aura. After a few minutes, Gabriel seemed to have found an answer because he look toward Crowley with a smirk. It was in that moment that Crowley knew he had messed up. He should have made Gabriel read someone else’s aura instead of being impatient and now Gabriel probably had leverage against him. 

“So, you’re in love hm?” Gabriel asked and Crowley felt his stomach drop and his blood run cold. “No doubt it’s with Aziraphale, but I wonder- does he know that?” Gabriel chuckled, knowing that he could certainly use the newfound fact to his advantage. Crowley tried to speak, but Gabriel cut him off “-And! On top of that, you’re what- depressed?” 

“I- you can see all that from just my aura…?” Crowley said, suddenly hit by a wave of anxiety. 

“Mhm,” Gabriel affirmed. 

“So… could Aziraphale too then? And can he see who I specifically love? Oh no this isn’t good,” Crowley started panicking. 

“I mean, I couldn’t see who you specifically loved, so you could easily cover it up with a lie…” Gabriel suggested. 

“You’re not saying that I should…?” Crowley trailed off. “No, I- I can’t! You- Ugh,” Crowley stumbled out. 

“Well you’re already in a relationship with me, so the lie would make perfect sense, wouldn’t it?”

“I- I mean I guess it would but…” Crowley trailed off again. 

“But?” Gabriel prompted. 

“But- oh fine, but only because I have too.” Crowley gave in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok but this is somehow 10000 words??? That’s so much aaaa


	21. Chapter 21

After the whole mess with Crowley, Aziraphale has felt disheartened. He tried calling Crowley, but the phone always went straight to voicemail. He wanted to apologize for invading Crowley’s privacy. He hadn’t meant to, he had just wanted to make sure that Crowley was okay, but he had just ended up messing everything up even more. 

“Maybe I can bring him a plant as a gift? He likes plants, right?” Aziraphale muttered to himself a few nights later while sitting in his bookshop. “Ah I know! I’ll buy a cactus for him and bring it by his flat tomorrow as a surprise!” Aziraphale exclaimed and beamed at his own idea. “But where to buy a cactus…”

The next day, Aziraphale found himself searching for the perfect cactus. He had been to three shops already when in the fourth shop something caught his eye. It was a small, simple cactus with a single red flower, but it was perfect. He picked up the little brown pot and paid the shopkeeper for it. 

After buying the plant, Aziraphale started making his way over to Crowley’s flat with the cactus in hand. “Oh dear, I do hope he likes it,” Aziraphale muttered nervously to himself. He walked up to the door of Crowley’s flat and knocked. “Hello? Anybody home?” He called out, but he received no answer. “Hm. Maybe I’ll just leave in right inside.”

Aziraphale tried to open the door and was surprised when it actually opened. He stepped inside and set the plant down on a nearby table when he heard two voices inside the flat. He picked up the plant again and walked toward the sound of the voices. He figured that meant Crowley was home, though he didn’t know who the other person might be. 

“Crowley?” Aziraphale called out, but he received no answer. He rounded the corner and looked into the room to find that it was a bedroom. Then he stopped in his tracks, frozen in shock.  _ Gabriel _ was there and he was… kissing Crowley? The cactus slipped out of Aziraphale’s hands and his hands flew to cover his mouth. Crowley and Gabriel both looked toward him at the sound of the glass pot hitting the floor and shattering. The shards of glass that scattered seemed to perfectly represent the feeling in Aziraphale’s heart. 

“Angel? What are you doing here?” Crowley asked, seemingly panicked. Aziraphale ignored Crowley and quickly turned away to make his way out of the flat. “Angel, wait!” Aziraphale heard Crowley yell, his voice breaking in desperation. Aziraphale continued out of the flat, closing the door behind him. Only then did he feel tears start to slip down his face. Aziraphale dropped to his knees, shaking with sobs. Though his vision was blurry with tears, the memory of what he had seen was clear in his mind. “Why would he…” He broke down again, unable to finish his sentence and miracled himself back to the bookshop before Crowley could find him. 

  
“I knew that he loved someone… but Gabriel? How could he?” Aziraphale mumbled to himself. He felt lost. Everything he had ever believed had shattered and he felt like he was drowning. He just wanted to stop existing so  _ badly  _ because he hurt so much. And while glue can fix broken glass, it can’t fix a broken heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH LOOK MORE ANGST WHOOPS


	22. Chapter 22

“Angel, wait!” Crowley yelled. He got up and tried to follow Aziraphale, carefully stepping over the broken glass, but he was too late. Aziraphale was already gone. Crowley sunk to the floor and leaned his head against the door. “‘M so so sorry angel,” He whispered. 

Then he heard it. Soft sobs on the other side of the door. Aziraphale was crying, Crowley had made him  _ cry.  _ He felt his heart break at the sound and he let out a sigh. 

“Why would he…” Crowley heard Aziraphale’s muffled voice mutter from behind the door between broken sobs, before trailing off and ending in a loud sob. 

Crowley stayed sitting there for a few minutes, wanting nothing more than to hold onto Aziraphale and never let go. This was all Gabriel’s fault, the sly bastard. Crowley had found it odd when Gabriel kissed him all of a sudden, but suddenly it was all making so much sense. 

“Gabriel I swear to…  _ someone _ that if you’re still there, I am actually going to discorporate you,” Crowley angrily muttered. 

When Crowley went back to where Gabriel was, he was already gone. Just more proof that he planned it. Crowley cradled the small cactus in his hands, not caring about the small spines that pricked him. A simple miracle fixed the shattered pot and Crowley put the cactus back into it, making sure it was firmly planted in the soil. He placed the pot on his bedside table. 

Crowley grabbed his plant mister and carefully sprayed the plant. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you,” He whispered. While he was usually harsh on his plants, this one was special. This one was from  _ Aziraphale _ . It was from his angel - could he even call Aziraphale that anymore? - and he was going to treat it with the same level of respect that he would give Aziraphale. Though, he would have to keep the plant in his room or the others might get jealous. 

“Thank you, angel,” Crowley whispered sadly. He didn’t mean for Aziraphale to find out about Gabriel- at least not so soon. At this point, he was just digging his own grave and soon he’d be six feet deep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE YOU GO MORE ANGST


	23. Chapter 23

Aziraphale was in his bookshop. He had decided to close it for a while- there were just too many customers that could disturb him and he wanted to be alone. He sat on the couch with a book resting in his lap, but he couldn’t bring himself to read it. His mind was still focused on the events of the day before. 

_ Gabriel.  _ Of course it had to be  _ him.  _ The very same Gabriel that had hurt and overworked him for over 6000 years. The worst part was that Aziraphale didn’t even know how long it had been going on. It must have been a while if Crowley was in  _ love _ with him. 

All this time. All this time he’d been chasing after Crowley, looking for a sign that he felt the same. But no. Crowley had never felt anything toward Aziraphale. He’d realized that day in the church when Crowley had given his books back to him, but he’s probably been pining after the demon for longer than that. 

Maybe Aziraphale could just hide forever. He’d heard that Alpha Centauri was nice around this time of year. He could fly away. Away from all of his problems. Away from Gabriel, away from his responsibilities, away from  _ everything.  _ He could fly into the stars and never see any of that again. But he’d miss Crowley. He’d always miss Crowley, no matter how much time passed. 

  
Aziraphale felt a tear slip down his face, but he didn’t understand why. He didn’t  _ deserve  _ to cry. It’s not like Crowley had ever been his in the first place and he never would be. On top of that, he had pried into Crowley’s personal emotions. He shouldn’t be crying. But he was. He was and he couldn’t stop the tears slipping down his face. He couldn’t stop the choked sob making it’s way out of his throat. He couldn’t stop the way his body  _ shook _ with his cries. And he couldn’t stop the feeling of his heart shattering into a million pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter is so short! I'll try to make the next one longer ^-^


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM

Crowley tried calling Aziraphale countless times, but it was hopeless. The phone would just ring and ring and  _ ring _ . But no one would pick up. Aziraphale would always pick up. Well, except for that one time in the bookshop, but he didn’t like to think about that. 

Crowley knew that he’d messed up. Though, Aziraphale would have found out eventually, but that didn’t mean he had to find out the way that he did. Crowley was really starting to regret everything. Being with someone else didn’t help his feelings for Aziraphale. But now he was stuck. 

If Crowley backed out now, Gabriel would tell Aziraphale how Crowley felt and on top of that Gabriel would make Aziraphale  _ fall _ . Crowley wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. Even Gabriel. Falling had felt horrible. Like every single nerve was on fire and some of them actually were. Crowley still had the scars. 

Speaking of scars, Crowley’s neck and arms had healed. On his neck there was a thin scar that you could only see in the right lighting and on his arms… well that was just a few more added to a collection. The desire to cut away all his pain was too much. He wanted to stop. He’d  _ tried  _ to stop, but it was no use. 

Giving into the temptation, Crowley finally miracled a knife into his hands. He stared at the silver blade before bringing it closer to his arm. A tear slipped down his face and onto the metal blade as he dug it into his arm. He watched the blood well up from the wound and how it dripped down his arm. 

Then a noise broke Crowley out of his trance. He looked up and found that it was Gabriel standing at the doorway. Gabriel had his hand over his mouth, like he’d tried to muffle a gasp. At first, Crowley was angry. Angry at Gabriel for what he’d done. But in that moment he was just too broken and numb to care.

Gabriel rushed toward Crowley an took Crowley’s arm in his hands. Gabriel looked… sad? Why would he be sad? It’s not like he actually  _ cared  _ about Crowley. If anything, he was probably faking. But Gabriel pulled Crowley into a hug and it felt so  _ warm. _ This was the most contact with another creature Crowley had had in  _ centuries _ .

“Why would you…” Gabriel trailed off. Crowley didn’t answer and let himself just lay limp against Gabriel. He hated Gabriel, but he needed the comfort. He needed someone to be there for him, even if it was someone he absolutely despised. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MORE ANGST AND YAY LETS ALL HATE GABRIEL SOME MORE


	25. Chapter 25

After what had happened with Gabriel walking in on Crowley and comforting him, Crowley felt that he could trust Gabriel more. But he didn’t want to. He didn’t  _ want  _ to trust Gabriel. He knew that Gabriel was probably manipulating him, but he was the only source of comfort that Crowley had left. There was a human term for that, probably. Aziraphale would probably know it, but he wasn’t there and thinking of Aziraphale only made Crowley sadder. 

Crowley couldn’t believe that he was so touch starved that he would accept comfort from the enemy. But apparently he was. That made sense though, if he was being honest. Aziraphale had never even hugged him and seemed to try to avoid contact with Crowley at all costs. Aziraphale must hate him and he honestly couldn’t believe that he hadn’t seen the signs before.

_ “We’re hereditary enemies!”  _

_ “You go too fast for me, Crowley.” _

_ “I don’t even like you!” _

_ “It’s over.” _ __   
__   
  


All of those things that Aziraphale had said, they all made so much sense now. So why had Aziraphale even bothered to spend time with Crowley? Why risk his own neck for Crowley? It didn’t make any sense and he was conflicted. On one hand, it was possible that Aziraphale considered them friends. On the other, he hated Crowley. Either way, there was no way that Aziraphale felt the same for him. Aziraphale would have been able to sense how Crowley felt, right? It hurt so much knowing that while he would  _ die  _ for Aziraphale, Aziraphale probably never even liked him at all.

Then there was Gabriel. Gabriel who told ‘Aziraphale’ to “shut his stupid mouth and die already”. Gabriel who blackmailed Crowley. Gabriel who was probably manipulating him. Gabriel who  _ comforted  _ him. Who comforted a _ demon _ . Nothing made sense. Everything was a mess and Crowley’s mind was tied in knots. Even with so many questions and no answers, there was still the biggest question lurking on the horizon after all that had happened.

_ What next? _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaa I'm sorry for how short it is and how late I updated! I started watching Supernatural today whoops
> 
> Also please let me know if you want Aziraphale to actually go to Alpha Centauri and Crowley to look for him!


	26. Chapter 26

Aziraphale had made up his mind. He was going to take a trip, a vacation if you will. He needed a break from everything. After the whole Crowley incident, everything was just so overwhelming. The feeling of heartbreak hadn’t faded, if anything it had only gotten worse. 

So Aziraphale had decided to go to Alpha Centauri. He had heard that it was nice around the time of year and he wished to see where Crowley would have taken him that he now never would. He also needed to find a place where Gabriel would never find him. He didn’t want to see Gabriel ever again after what he’d discovered. 

Aziraphale hated Gabriel so much. And he knew that angels weren’t supposed to hate anything, but then again he’d always been a bit of an odd one out. He knew that none of what had happened was Gabriel’s fault and that he shouldn’t hate him, but he did and he couldn’t do anything about it. Though, as an angel it was also his job to love everything, not just one person in particular. He had heard some terrifying stories about how many angels had fallen for that. 

Aziraphale was in the middle of preparing everything for his vacation when Crowley called. Aziraphale didn’t pick up, of course. He didn’t know if he could deal with talking to Crowley at the moment. He continued on with making sure all of the books were clean when Crowley called again. No. He wasn’t going to talk to Crowley. He’d already been through too much in the past couple of days. 

After finishing up the checkups on the book, Aziraphale marked the shop as ‘Closed’ and grabbed his coat. A quick snap of his fingers and Aziraphale was suddenly floating in space. The stars were everywhere, sprinkled throughout the dark abyss of space. Here, no humans or demons could watch and Aziraphale could slip into his true form without fear of scaring them. 

Space was beautiful. The way the stars twinkled, the way the moon glowed and watercolor colors painted the void of space. It was truly a shame that Aziraphale hadn’t come to space before. Looking ahead, Aziraphale noticed that there were the two orbiting stars that he was looking for. He flew over toward it and settled in between the two orbiting stars, comfortable at last. 

Though, that happiness and feeling of security would soon fade. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow look another chapter today! :0
> 
> Also I’m sorry if it’s bad I’m like really sleep deprived rn
> 
> Please leave a comment and let me know what you want to see next!


	27. Chapter 27

What was next was nothing short of surprising. Crowley started thinking of Gabriel as a  _ friend. _ Though, that was probably just the part of him that longed for comfort speaking. After everything, with Aziraphale running off and Gabriel comforting him, Crowley was just exhausted. He just felt so overwhelmed by all of his emotions- and lack thereof. He felt hurt, heartbroken, and just so  _ numb  _ all at once. His mind was a mess of scattered thoughts and confusing feelings and he just didn’t know what to do.

Did Crowley try to explain to Aziraphale? Well,what was there to explain, it’s not like he could confess his feelings for the angel anyway, that would just make everything worse. Did he accept the newfound friendship with Gabriel? He didn’t know that answer to that one either. Gabriel was an angel. An angel who had tried to  _ kill _ Aziraphale. But he was also the only one who had been there to comfort Crowley in one of his darkest moments.

So many questions and so little answers. So Crowley decided to answer them on his own, one by one. The first question was Aziraphale. He decided that he was going to find Aziraphale and apologize to him. He could deal with the Gabriel question later- it’s not like finding and apologizing to Aziraphale would take that long.

But it did. When Crowley showed up at Aziraphale’s bookshop, the usually warm and inviting atmosphere felt abandoned and sad. The lights were off and the sign was flipped to closed and it looked like it had been like that for a while. A simple demonic miracle and Crowley let himself inside. 

If anything, the inside was worse than the outside. The darkness in the shop was all encompassing and it seemed as though even the shadows were out to get him. A thin layer of dust was on some of the books, which was odd as Aziraphale would never let his books get even a speck of dust on them. Something wasn’t right there. A quick check and it appeared that the bookshop had been abandoned for days.  _ Days. _ Aziraphale would never even leave it for more than a single day, unless it was necessary. 

After a thorough search through the bookshop, Crowley came to the conclusion that Aziraphale had either been captured or he had just straight up left. Honestly, the former of the two seemed to be more likely. But he knew that wasn’t the case. With how upset Aziraphale had been, he wouldn’t blame him for wanting a vacation. Though, it was still unnerving. So after all that had happened, another question was left lingering in Crowley’s mind. 

_ Where was Aziraphale? _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MORE DRAMA AND MORE ANGST WHOOP
> 
> Feel free to let me know if there's anything else you'd like to see in this fic!


	28. Chapter 28

Something about space was just so comforting. It was a place where you could get lost in your thoughts, but also a place to be distracted from them. There were so many stars to count, so many constellations to find, and so many colors to look at. Each star was unique with its own color, it’s own light, and it’s own name. 

Nestled between two bright orbiting stars, Aziraphale did all of these. He counted the stars and he found constellations and even named a few new ones. Even with the distraction, it still hurt. The image of Crowley with Gabriel. The image of Crowley kissing Gabriel. The image of Crowley in  _ love  _ with Gabriel. It hurt so much and not even the glow of the stars could soothe him. 

How had Aziraphale not noticed? He was an  _ angel.  _ He was supposed to be able to sense love. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. Who knows how long Crowley had had feelings for Gabriel. Maybe even before the fall, when Crowley was still and angel. 

Speaking of which, Aziraphale wished that he could remember who Crowley was as an angel. He had been friends with a few of the angels that had fallen, but the one most important to him was Raphael. Raphael has been so close to Aziraphale and it had hurt so much when he had watched him fall. He had watched the ground give out under Raphael. He had reached out, trying to grab Raphael’s hand. But he couldn’t. He wasn’t fast enough. He was too  _ weak.  _ Sometimes he still had nightmares about Raphael falling. 

They had created the stars together. They had created flowers, and animals, and so many things. If Aziraphale remembered correctly, Raphael had made Alpha Centauri for them. Raphael had promised that it would be their safe spot. That they would always meet up there. But there was no Raphael now. Only Aziraphale and Alpha Centauri. 

Raphael’s promise actually reminded Aziraphale of Crowley, now that he thought about it. He remembered how Crowley had begged him to go to Alpha Centauri with him. But there was no way Crowley was Raphael. That just wasn’t possible. But what if?

Raphael  _ had  _ created the snake. And Raphael had made the stars. He had made Alpha Centauri specifically for the both of them. He had also had long, flowing, red hair. With all these facts combined, it seemed so  _ obvious _ . Crowley was a snake, he’d asked Aziraphale to go to Alpha Centauri with him, and on top of that his hair color was exactly the same as Raphael’s. How could any of that be a coincidence? Aziraphale didn’t know, but he didn’t want to face Crowley, even if he was curious about his theory. It was best to stay hidden somewhere that Crowley would probably never think to look. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale is figuring some things out :)


	29. Chapter 29

It had been months. Crowley had been searching for Aziraphale for  _ months _ . Surprising, Gabriel had also stepped in to help, but no luck on either side. They’d both checked all the places that Aziraphale might have been, but there was still no sign of him. Crowley had gradually gotten more and more depressed over the months and felt that it was his fault Aziraphale had left. After all, it  _ had _ been Crowley who’d gotten himself into the whole mess. It had been him who’d agreed to go along with what Gabriel requested. It had been him who had messed everything up when he’d only wanted to fix things.

Crowley was discouraged. Even after almost six months of searching, there were still no signs of Aziraphale. He wanted something to distract him from the cold feeling that was curled in his stomach. He  _ needed _ something to distract him from the pain that he felt in his heart from hurting Aziraphale. Maybe that’s why he stayed with Gabriel after all he’d done. Gabriel was manipulative- even a little bit abusive. So being with Gabriel, it _ hurt _ . And it was pain that Crowley wanted. Pain that he  _ needed _ to feel alive.

A shadow of doubt had crossed Crowley’s mind. What if Aziraphale was dead? Or what if Gabriel had already found him and just hadn’t told Crowley? There were so many what-ifs and so many doubts. Too many. So he was absolutely delighted when Gabriel showed up with news about Aziraphale’s whereabouts. In fact, he had been so delighted that he’d wrapped his arms around Gabriel in a tight hug. A genuine hug. Not one of the usual ones that Crowley only gave Gabriel because he was forced to. A real hug. 

Gabriel had recently found a document. Specifically, a document of Aziraphale’s most recent miracles. The most recent one was simple and it had happened a little over seven months before. It was a miracle to transfer Aziraphale into space. Even though it didn’t say where, it was better than nothing and Crowley would look through the whole entire universe if it meant that he could find his angel. 

The first thing that Crowley had thought of Alpha Centauri. He had made it for  _ them  _ after all. But Aziraphale didn’t remember, much less know where it was. So Crowley decided not to look there. It brought up too many memories. Memories about before the fall when they’d spend time together and make stars and constellations. Memories of after the fall when Crowley would sit in Alpha Centauri, waiting for an angel that would never come. And the more recent memories. The one’s of when he had asked Aziraphale to run away to Alpha Centauri with him. He had declined  _ twice _ . 

With that, Crowley snapped his fingers and one demonic miracle later he was floating through space. And he set out on his quest to find Aziraphale. He wouldn’t stop until he found Aziraphale or until he died. 

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK SO SOMEHOW THIS IS OVER 14,000 WORDS THAT’S THE MOST WORDS I’VE EVER WRITTEN


	30. Chapter 30

So far, Crowley had looked for Aziraphale for a few days. He had checked a few different solar systems and star systems, but there was no sign of Aziraphale. He didn’t really know what he would do if he actually found Aziraphale, but he’d burn that bridge when he got to it. Honestly, he’d probably try to explain everything with Gabriel. But he didn’t want to reveal his feelings for Aziraphale. That wouldn’t go over well, but he also didn’t want to make anything worse. 

There was one last place that Crowley could think of. The last place he’d thought to look, especially after all that had happened. Alpha Centauri. Why Aziraphale would ever go there he didn’t know, but it was the only place he could think of. So he set out to Alpha Centauri. 

It only took a few hours to get to Alpha Centauri, Crowley’s wings were still very powerful after all, even after the fall. The fall. He didn’t want to think of that. He  _ couldn’t _ . He shook his head, trying to think of something else, but his mind just went down a different path, one that was darker. Gabriel. He could make Aziraphale fall if Crowley didn’t do what he wanted. But after all that Gabriel had done, was it possible to make  _ him _ fall? If he found Aziraphale, maybe he could get him to contact Heaven to make Gabriel fall. 

Even though Gabriel had comforted Crowley and helped look for Aziraphale, the bad deeds that he had done easily outweighed the good one’s. He had threatened to make Aziraphale fall so Crowley would go along with what he had wanted. He had manipulated Crowley to make sure he stayed with him. And above all else, he had given into the sin of lust. That seemed like it would be more than enough to make an angel fall. He really hoped that-

Crowley’s thoughts were quickly cut off by the scene before him.  _ Alpha Centauri _ . He had so many memories of it, both good and bad. But what’s shocked him the most was Aziraphale. Aziraphale was floating between the two orbiting stars of Alpha Centauri in his true form. Crowley hadn’t seen Aziraphale’s true form in  _ forever _ . But it was no less beautiful. With Principalities being messengers and all, Aziraphale’s true form didn’t look all that different from his human form, just more glowy and with a few more eyes. Then Aziraphale turned to face Crowley and he swallowed, a nervous lump in his throat. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaa I’m sad cause I feel like this will be over kind of soon ;-;


	31. Chapter 31

Aziraphale felt a presence. Crowley’s presence. A quick glance up and there he was. The love of his life and the one who had left him broken-hearted. He felt self conscious about his true form. Had Crowley seen it before? Not that he could remember. 

“Aziraphale,” Crowley called out and Aziraphale tried to ignore him. “Angel, c’mon,” He tried again. “I know you can he-“

“What?” Aziraphale finally snapped, turning his multiple eyes to glare at Crowley. Well, it was less of a glare and more of a pain filled stare, but it was the thought that counted, right?

“Oh angel…” Crowley began softly. “I wanted-“ He cleared his throat. “I wanted to explain.”

“Explain what?” Aziraphale said. “There’s nothing to explain. You’re in a relationship with Gabriel. You  _ love  _ him,” Aziraphale growled out. 

“Well yes- but why would you care? It not like you’ve ever even considered us  _ friends _ ,” Crowley snapped back. 

“I- of course I consider us…  _ friends _ ,” Aziraphale said, hesitating on the word. He  _ did  _ consider them friends. But he wanted more. He’d always wanted more. 

“But you said it yourself! We’re enemies, not friends,” Crowley accused. “All I wanted was…” He trailed off. 

“Was what, Crowley?” Aziraphale asked. “There’s nothing you would ever want from  _ me _ .”

“All I ever wanted was you! Okay?” Crowley shouted. “I only ever wanted you…” He repeated, his voice much softer. 

“But you have me! You’ve had me for years! Ever since that day in the church, Crowley,” Aziraphale said, his emotions pouring out. “Ever since that day in the church…” He took a deep breath. “...I’ve loved you. I’ve loved you ever since that moment and it just hurts  _ so much _ to see you with-“ His voice broke. “-with Gabriel!”

“I-“ Crowley started, but cut himself off. “You love me, angel?” The shock was evident on Crowley’s face and Aziraphale winced. Oh no. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short!


	32. Chapter 32

“Yes. I love you. And I can’t believe how  _ blind _ you are for not noticing!” Aziraphale burst out. “I’ve loved you since the church, probably even before that! And you never noticed. How long have you even been with Gabriel anyways? Long enough to  _ love  _ him apparently,” Aziraphale could feel tears building up in his eyes, but he continued. “I love you so much and I don’t-“ His voice broke. “-I don’t want to  _ lose you _ . I never meant to push you away, I just thought- I thought it would be  _ easier _ if we weren’t friends. But that just made it harder and I’m so sorry because I never meant to push you away, I never meant to  _ hurt  _ you but I did and I-“ Aziraphale’s rambling was cut off by Crowley. 

“ _ Angel _ . It’s okay. You didn’t… hurt me,” Crowley said, trying to comfort Aziraphale. 

“But I did! I hurt you and you know it!” Aziraphale retorted. 

“I- I can’t lie to you angel, you did. But you mean so much to me, I just can’t live without you,” Crowley said. “Come back to Earth with me, angel,” Crowley pleaded. 

“Why should I? You’re happy with Gabriel, are you not? Why would you ever need me?” Aziraphale questioned. 

Crowley felt conflicted. He wanted to bring Aziraphale back to Earth with him, but he didn’t want to reveal his feelings. But Aziraphale loved him too, why couldn’t he just be happy for once? Gabriel. That’s why. Gabriel would make Aziraphale  _ fall _ . But couldn’t Aziraphale contact a higher power and get them to punish Gabriel? That might work. Might. 

“Because…” Crowley started, but he trailed off. He was unsure of how to say what he wanted to. “I-“ He took a deep breath. “Ever since that day in the garden,  _ Hell,  _ even  _ before _ that- I saw you in Heaven and I just… felt things, okay? And so I asked about it. I asked why I felt like that. And God made me fall. I suppose she was mad that I didn’t feel that way about her humans, or maybe it was all just part of the ineffable plan. But my point is, I love you too Aziraphale. I’ve loved you for  _ so long _ . I guess you could actually say that I  _ fell _ for you,” Crowley explained and it was Aziraphale’s turn to be shocked. 

“You do…? You love me too? And that long? You  _ fell _ for me?” Aziraphale questioned in shock. That was quite a turn of events. A very good turn. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW LOOK LOVE CONFESSIONS


	33. Chapter 33

“I- yes angel. I love you and I’ve loved you for such a long time and I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Crowley rambled. 

“Then why were you with  _ Gabriel _ ? Of all people, why him?” Aziraphale asked, still hurt. 

“I was drunk, okay? I didn’t know it was him and when I woke up it was too late and he said he would make you  _ fall _ if I didn’t get into a relationship with him,” Crowley explained. He had really gotten himself into a mess, hadn’t he?

“He said he would make me fall? I don’t know if he could actually do that unless he contacted the Almighty, but even then I don’t see what she would have against me,” Aziraphale mused. 

“Well I didn’t know that! I was scared of losing you, I don’t want you to ever go through the pain of falling,” Crowley said, his voice shaking with emotion. 

“I understand. It’s okay, Crowley. We’re okay,” Aziraphale whispered and pulled Crowley into a hug. “I promise I won’t leave you and I promise I won’t fall.”

“...Thank you angel,” Crowley muttered against Aziraphale’s shoulder. Everything was going surprisingly better than he had thought it would. But a nagging feeling in the back of his mind told him that it wouldn’t last. 

“Any time, Crowley,” Aziraphale said and pulled away from Crowley, a light in his eyes. “Gabriel has committed multiple sins, yes?”

“I- yes. He has,” Crowley confirmed. 

“Excellent. If I-  _ we _ contact the Metatron or the Almighty, we might just give Gabriel a taste of his own medicine. He could fall,” Aziraphale explained. 

“I think that’s a wonderful idea, angel. I was actually thinking of talking to you about that on my way here,” Crowley said with a smile. 

“Oh! Were you?” Aziraphale exclaimed in surprise “How odd.”

“Quite,” Crowley agreed. 

“Anyways! I assume you’ll want to watch Gabriel fall? If so, I’ll have to see if I can bring you up to Heaven with me,”

“Of course. After all he’s done… he deserves the punishment and I would rather like to see it happen,” Crowley said, finally feeling hopeful and happy for the first time in… well, a long time. 

“Well then. I suppose we should get back to Earth? A small miracle should do it,” Aziraphale grinned at Crowley and slipped back into his human corporation. 

“Alright, alright,” Crowley gave in and turned to look at Aziraphale before taking his hand in Crowley’s own. He snapped his fingers and shot Aziraphale a smile. “Lift home?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! There are definitely a few more to come, even if I don’t know how much that is


	34. Chapter 34

In an instant, Aziraphale and Crowley appeared in Crowley’s flat. Thankfully, Gabriel was nowhere to be seen. After all of the events that had happened, all Crowley really wanted to do was sleep. Maybe for a few months. But he couldn’t. Not when Aziraphale was so excited at the prospect of Gabriel falling, of him not bothering them anymore. 

“So would you like to drive there now?” Aziraphale asked and turned to look at Crowley. 

“Mhm. Whatever you want, angel. I don’t-“ Crowley cut himself off with a yawn. “-I don’t mind.”

“Well obviously you do! You seem exhausted, dear!” Aziraphale exclaimed. “Come on, you should rest.” He sat down on Crowley’s bed and gestured for the demon to come over to him. “How long were you searching for me, anyways?”

“Oh, months. On Earth that is. Probably about a week straight in space,” Crowley explained and shuffled over to Aziraphale. “I couldn’t lose you, not-“ He forced back the tears that were welling up in his eyes. “-not again.”

“Crowley…” Aziraphale whispered and trailed off. He hadn’t thought about how his actions would hurt Crowley. He hadn’t thought about anything except himself and his own feelings. An angel. That’s what he was. Angels are supposed to be forgiving and selfless. Not selfish or mean. “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“I know, angel, I know,” Crowley said and leaned his head against Aziraphale’s shoulder. “I’m just glad we are where we are now. I don’t know what I would do without you,” A soft smile made its way onto Crowley’s face. “You’re everything to me, You’re my  _ world _ .”

“And you’re my world too,” Aziraphale leaned over to Crowley and gently placed a kiss against his cheek. “To the  _ world _ .”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry this chapter is so short aaa TwT
> 
> I wanted to make it longer but I couldn’t really see any way I could add anything else


	35. Chapter 35

Crowley felt bad for keeping Aziraphale from doing what he wanted. He had tried to insist that he was fine, that he wasn’t really  _ that _ tired. But Aziraphale had taken none of it. They had known each other for over 6000 years though, so it was to be expected. 

Aziraphale had forced Crowley to got to bed. Well, tempted him really. Aziraphale had offered to cuddle with him if he went to sleep. It was unfair, really. Unfair to use someone’s weakness against them. Though, that was what Crowley did on a daily basis when he tempted people, so he couldn’t really argue.

But Aziraphale. Aziraphale was different. Aziraphale was an  _ angel _ . Angels don’t  _ tempt _ people. That’s just not how it’s done. But Aziraphale has tempted Crowley. Somehow. Crowley would never admit to being soft for the angel. Nope, never. 

Anyways, Crowley had soon found himself lying in bed with an angel curled into his side. It was rather nice. Aziraphale’s body heat was comforting and it made Crowley feel like he was  _ home _ . That human saying of ‘Home is where the heart is’ suddenly made so much more sense to him. Home was with your loved ones. Home was with Aziraphale. Home  _ was  _ Aziraphale. 

Even with as tired as he was, Crowley was unable to fall asleep. His thoughts were too focused on the feeling of Aziraphale beside him. It made every other thought and emotion seem insignificant in proportion. After more than 6000 years of pining, he finally had Aziraphale. He was finally  _ happy _ . And that was how he fell asleep. His mind filled with thoughts of Aziraphale and a warm smile on his face. 

But he didn’t know what was coming next. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really sorry for the lack of update yesterday! I had a panic attack so I wasn’t really in the right mind to write fluff


	36. Chapter 36

Crowley woke up feeling a lot better than he had the day before. He felt refreshed and waking up next to Aziraphale just made everything better. Aziraphale was curled up with his back against Crowley’s back. A quick glance over his shoulder and Crowley could see that Aziraphale was still obviously sleeping. That was good. 

Crowley slipped out of bed as quietly as he could and made his way out of the room. He paused at the doorway to appreciate the scene before him. Aziraphale was sleeping soundly and the way the rays of light spilled through Crowley’s window made it seem like he was bathed in a halo of golden light. Aziraphale’s face looked so peaceful when he slept, but Crowley didn’t have time to focus on that. He needed to do something really quickly before Aziraphale woke up. 

Crêpes. That was what Crowley had to do. He walked into his kitchen and with a quick snap everything he would need appeared on the counter. A quick google search and he swiftly found a recipe for crêpes. Now all he had to do was make them. 

Making the crêpes proved to be much more difficult than Crowley had thought it would be, but he eventually did it. He made a few crêpes and put two on a plate with the rest of them going into the fridge. He also cut up some strawberries and later then across the top- it was necessary for the crêpes to taste good  _ and  _ look nice. 

Crowley brought the plate into the bedroom and gently shook Aziraphale’s shoulder to wake him up. Soon he found two tired blue eyes staring back at him. 

“‘Morning, Angel,” Crowley murmured and held out the plate toward Azirapale. 

“Oh thank you dear!” Aziraphale exclaimed and immediately dug in. Crowley had to wait for Aziraphale to finish so he could make sure they were good, so he just sat there watching Aziraphale eat. 

“Was it good?” Crowley asked hesitantly once Aziraphale had finished the crêpes. 

“Yes, very much so,” Aziraphale confirmed with a fond smile on his face. “Thank you so much Crowley, it means a lot to me.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, angel,” Crowley said and took the plate in one hand, holding the other arm out to Aziraphale. “Shall we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe this is already 17,000 words! This is probably the most I’ve written for something honestly


	37. Chapter 37

Usually, it would have taken Crowley about ten minutes to get to the escalators that led to Heaven and Hell. But today was not like other days. Today it took more like twenty to thirty minutes to drive there. That was because Aziraphale was in the car. Aziraphale was in the car and Crowley didn’t want to go too fast for him. No, he would go as slow as Aziraphale wanted as long as it meant that he was happy. 

“Crowley. You really didn’t have to drive so slow for me,” Aziraphale stated when they got out of the car. 

“I know, angel. I just-“ Crowley cut himself off to look at Aziraphale. “I just don’t want to go too fast for you…” He admitted hesitantly. 

“Crowley…” Aziraphale said softly. His tone of voice seemed to indicate that he felt guilty. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to go slow for me, I love you for who you are.”

“Are you- Are you sure?” Crowley asked. He hadn’t meant to make Aziraphale feel guilty, but he couldn’t just lie to him either. It was a lose-lose situation. 

“Yes Crowley. I’m sure,” Aziraphale states firmly. He knew Crowley felt insecure and felt bad for potentially hurting him with his words. 

“I- okay, angel,” Crowley accepted Aziraphale’s words, though not without uncertainty. Those words that Aziraphale had spoken that night in the car had followed Crowley for years. He really didn’t want to do anything that would make Aziraphale uncomfortable in any way. “Let’s go on up now, okay?”

Aziraphale and Crowley stepped onto the escalator. The ride up felt longer than it should have, but they eventually reached the top. Heaven was very bright compared to what Crowley was used to and he tried to ignore the burning feeling of his feet. Heaven was one of the holiest grounds that there was. 

They walked past the angel that welcomed everyone in without any trouble. Most likely because of their reputations- that they were said to be unable to be hurt by holy water or hellfire. Though, Gabriel had said that he knew about the switch. He must not have told the other angels. Speaking of Gabriel, it was finally time. Finally time for him to get what was coming for him for a very long time. 


	38. Chapter 38

Aziraphale and Crowley stopped outside of the Metatron’s office-like room. It was a lot bigger and fancier than the other offices in Heaven, with intricate designs on the wood and handles of the door. The door was painted white of course and seemed to be in perfect condition. No chipping and no wear. Just shiny, perfectly painted wood. It was too perfect in Crowley’s opinion. 

Aziraphale hesitantly lifted his hand to knock on the door, but dropped it again and turned toward Crowley. His eyes seem to hold something akin to fear or nervousness, but there was also happiness hidden in them. 

“Crowley dear, would you please stay outside while I talk with the Metatron?” Aziraphale asked. “I don’t want you to get hurt or- or anything.”

“Of course, angel,” Crowley agreed. “Just… don’t do anything stupid. Please. I can’t-“ His voice broke, but he continued. “I can’t lose you, not again…”

“ _ Oh _ , Crowley,” Aziraphale breathed out. “I promise I’ll be safe. As long as your are too.”

“You promise?” Crowley asked softly. He didn’t want to lose Aziraphale again. He couldn’t. He would positively  _ die _ . 

“I  _ promise _ ,” Aziraphale confirmed. “I’ll never leave you again, not if I can help it at least.”

“Thank you angel…” Crowley muttered and pulled Aziraphale into a tight hug, not caring if passing angels could see them right now. “I’m not leaving either.” It contained a hidden statement that Aziraphale could easily understand.  _ ‘As long as you're still alive, I am too.’  _ That was good. Aziraphale didn’t want to lose Crowley to another… unfortunate holy water situation.

With that, Aziraphale placed a quick kiss on Crowley’s check and turned toward the door again. He lifted his hand. 

Knock _.  _

_ Knock. _

**_Knock._ **

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the lack of updates recently! I’ve been busy with school and i’m starting to get writers block TwT


	39. Chapter 39

Crowley wasn’t allowed into the Metatron’s office, of course. Even though most of the angels in Heaven seemed wary of him after the whole holy water bath thing, the Metatron wasn’t. Which made sense, as they were the voice of God after all. 

So Crowley had to wait outside the office anxiously, wondering if Aziraphale would even come out at all. Just as Crowley was starting to contemplate breaking into the Metatron’s office, Aziraphale came out. 

“So how did it go? Will he fall?” Crowley asked after pulling Aziraphale into a hug with a sigh of relief. 

“Metatron said that they would consider it,” Aziraphale said with a small sigh. 

“Well that’s better than nothing, isn’t it?” Crowley asked. He was trying to be hopeful for Aziraphale’s sake, even if he wasn’t really quite so optimistic. 

“Yes. I believe it is,” Aziraphale admitted and started walking towards the exit of Heaven, motioning for Crowley to follow him. 

“Do you know how long it will take to make a decision?” Crowley asked and gently grabbed Aziraphale’s hand. 

“No. It could take months for all I know, but I’m hoping that it will only take a few weeks- or if we’re lucky, a few days,” Aziraphale said and squeezed Crowley’s hand. “In the meantime, would you like to go to the Ritz? Or we could go on a picnic- maybe just spend time in the bookshop? We could also-”

“Angel. You’re rambling,” Crowley pointed out with a soft smile. 

“Oh, am I? Sorry, sorry,” Aziraphale muttered. 

“No, Angel it’s fine. I find it endearing, really,” Crowley admitted. “I think all of those sound like lovely ideas.”

“Ah, I’m glad it doesn’t annoy you…” Aziraphale trailed off. “Gabriel always got annoyed with my rambling.”

“I’ll never get tired of hearing you talk, okay?” Crowley said earnestly. “Here, I’ll treat you to lunch at the Ritz, how does that sound?”

“That sounds lovely. Thank you, Crowley.” And with that, Crowley miracled them both a spot at the Ritz. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I’ve gotten a little bit over writers block so hopefully I can write for often!


	40. Chapter 40

After lunch at the Ritz, the both of them went to Aziraphale’s bookshop. Now, Crowley was seated next to Aziraphale while Aziraphale read a book to him. After all, snake eyes weren’t exactly the best for reading books. 

“...He led her to his kingdom where he was joyfully received, and they lived for a long time afterwards, happy and contented.” Aziraphale finished the short story and Crowley let out a yawn. Even though he didn’t  _ need _ to sleep, he could still get tired. 

“Bedtime?” Aziraphale asked. 

“No, no, Angel, you can-“ Crowley was cut off by a yawn that forced its way out of his mouth. “You can continue…”

“No, I think it’s best if you go to sleep. I have a bed upstairs if you’d like to stay the night.” Aziraphale insisted. 

“If you’re sure…” Crowley trailed off and looked at Aziraphale. He didn’t want to intrude on Aziraphale’s personal space too much. 

“Of course I’m sure. I don’t even really  _ use _ my bed. I usually don’t sleep.” Aziraphale explained and gently touched Crowley’s arm. “Come on, you’ve had a long day. You need to rest.”

“I-“ Crowley yawned again. “Alright. If you insist.” Aziraphale led Crowley upstairs to his room and gestured to the bed. 

“Here you are. If you need me, I’ll be downstairs. Probably reading on the couch.” With that, Aziraphale left Crowley in the room and went back downstairs. 

Crowley didn’t even bother with changing his clothes, instead just choosing to flop down onto the bed. Even though Aziraphale has said that he didn’t use it much, it still had that distinct smell that to Crowley smelled like Aziraphale. It smelled comfortable. It smelled like  _ home _ . 

After flopping gracefully onto the bed, Crowley fell asleep within minutes. And then they started. The nightmares. Whenever Crowley slept, there were always nightmares. Of torture, of Hell, of falling… it didn’t really matter. They were always there. But there were dreams too. Dreams where he and Aziraphale were  _ happy  _ together. Dreams quite like what was happening in real life, actually. 

Those dreams were why Crowley slept. Because even if on most nights he would wake up in a cold sweat with tears streaming down his face, there were nights where he would wake up with a  _ smile _ on his face. And that made everything worth it. It made reliving the torture, Hell, and the Fall worth it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you MEAN this has over 5000 hits???


	41. Chapter 41

Crowley never wanted to sleep at Azirpahale’s place again. Why? It was simple, really. Crowley woke up in the middle of the night with a scream and tears running down his face. And of course, Aziraphale heard his scream and come to check up on him. 

Aziraphale burst into the room and rushed over to Crowley, looking for the source of the scream. 

“Crowley? Are you okay? Are you hurt? What’s wrong?” Aziraphale frantically asked. There seemed to be no one else in the room and there were no signs of harm in Crowley. 

“Nothing. I’m fine, angel. Don’t worry about me,” Crowley replied and tried to hide his face from Aziraphale. 

“Don’t lie to me! You’re obviously not okay, what happened?” Aziraphale pressed. 

“Aziraphale I’m fine. It’s really nothing, I swear,” Crowley insisted. 

“Crowley. I can see that you’re not okay, please talk to me,” Aziraphale pleaded. 

“I had a nightmare! Okay?” Crowley exclaimed suddenly. He felt guilty for yelling at Aziraphale immediately afterwards, of course. He never wanted to yell at or hurt his angel again. 

“Dear…” Aziraphale started, his voice soft and careful. He reached a hand towards Crowley’s face tentatively, which Crowley immediately flinched away from. 

“I’m fine,” Crowley lied. He didn’t want to burden Aziraphale with his problems. 

“Please talk to me, Crowley,” Aziraphale whispered sadly and Crowley felt his heart  _ break _ . Aziraphale sounded so sad, so hurt. Because of  _ him.  _

“Angel, I’m sorry…” Crowley murmured and looked back up towards Aziraphale. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“That’s okay, Crowley. You don’t have to. Do you need a hug?” Aziraphale asked and spread his arms for emphasis. Crowley hesitated for a moment before nodding his head. As soon as Aziraphale’s arms slipped around Crowley and pulled him into a hug, he felt better. He felt calmer and safer and  _ home  _ in Aziraphale’s arms. This was where he belonged and he didn’t ever want to move. 

“Thank you, angel,” Crowley weakly whispered as Aziraphale broke the hug. 

“There’s no need to thank me, Crowley. You deserve happiness and comfort,” Aziraphale said with a soft smile and turned to leave. 

“-Stay! Please, I mean. Just… I don’t want to be alone anymore,” Crowley admitted. 

“Okay. You won’t be, then,” Aziraphale reassured Crowley and climbed into bed next to Crowley, who immediately curled up next to Aziraphale with his arms wrapped around him. Quite like a snake, actually. Within minutes, Crowley was asleep and Aziraphale felt himself begin to drift off as well. 

That night, Aziraphale fell asleep for the first time in centuries, with a smile on his face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow I wrote 2 1/2 chapters yesterday...


	42. Chapter 42

When Crowley woke up, he was pressed against Aziraphale. It was so warm and comfortable that Crowley never wanted either of them to leave. But that obviously wasn’t the case. 

When Aziraphale woke up, he rolled over and kissed Crowley on the cheek before starting to get up. Crowley whined and rolled over to face Aziraphale, only to be hit with the sun in his eyes. He lifted his arm to shade his eyes so that he could see Aziraphale properly. 

“Angel… It’s too early to get up. Please stay here. With me,” Crowley begged. He was most definitely  _ not _ a morning person. 

“Crowley, I have to. I have to open the bookshop today. It’s a Monday, remember?” Aziraphale gently explained. 

“I know, I know. Can’t you just… I don’t know, not open it for once? I want to spend the day with you. Cuddling, preferably,” Crowley argued. 

“Dear…” Aziraphale trailed off to pause his attempts to leave and look at Crowley. “You know I can’t do that. How about I bring you tea? Is earl grey okay?”

“...Fine. With honey, please,” Crowley knew Aziraphale had to open shop and he really couldn’t refuse his offer. Aziraphale’s tea was like drinking the definition of delicious. It was always perfectly made and Crowley had never really been able to resist it. 

Soon after Aziraphale left, he came back carrying a steaming cup of earl grey tea. He gently handed it to Crowley, careful not to spill anything. 

“Careful! It could still be hot…” Aziraphale warned Crowley. Though it was a bit too late if the slight wince on Crowley’s face had anything to say about it. 

“Yeah. I can tell,” Crowley replied, but continued drinking it. It was wonderful, as always. Just the right amount of honey and the perfect flavor. “You still have to open the shop, don’t you?”

“Oh- yes, yes I do! Thank you for reminding me, Crowley,” Aziraphale rushed out and hurried downstairs to mark the bookshop as open for the day. 

Crowley hummed and finished off his tea, his mind quickly becoming more awake and aware with the caffeine in his system. The bed was still so enticing and warm… but he wanted to spend time with Aziraphale. 

With that thought in mind, Crowley dragged himself out of bed to get ready for the day. Even if Aziraphale had to run the bookshop, Crowley was going to do everything he could to spend the day with him. Even if that meant he had to drape himself over Aziraphale in what was probably a very annoying fashion - snake form or otherwise.

So that was exactly what Crowley did. As soon as he trudged downstairs, he located Aziraphale and immediately draped himself over his shoulders. It was comfortable and very warm. 

“Dear- Crowley! I’m trying to work!” Aziraphale halfheartedly protested. 

“Don’ want you to work. I want cuddles,” Crowley grumbled. Even with the caffeine in his system, he was still grumpy. It always took a while for his head to clear up. 

“Fine. You can stay there, just- try not to get in the way too much, okay? I have work to do,” Aziraphale finally relented. He couldn’t resist Crowley even if he tried. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the Area 51 raid was today... I’m just glad no one got hurt. 
> 
> Also! I’ve been thinking of doing a sequel to this? I didn’t plan to do that at first so I want to hear your thoughts please!


	43. Chapter 43

A few days later, the Metatron contacted Aziraphale about Gabriel. 

“Crowley, Metatron contacted me about Gabriel. He’s going to be tried for his crimes, but they need a witness,” Aziraphale explained that night, while sitting across from Crowley on the couch. 

“That’s good- wait. So will I have to be there? In Heaven?” Crowley asked. 

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“Okay.” Crowley’s jaw clenched. He had been hoping that he wouldn’t have to see Gabriel ever again, but this would be for the best. Gabriel would fall and he wouldn’t be able to hurt Aziraphale ever again. “When will the trial take place?”

“Tomorrow.”

“So soon?” Crowley raised an eyebrow above his sunglasses. 

“Yes. I was just as surprised as you were when the Metatron told me. Are you- are you okay with that, dear?” Aziraphale looked at Crowley, worry evident on his face. 

“Yeah, of course. It’s better to get it out of the way sooner, I guess. That way he can’t hurt or threaten you anymore.” 

Aziraphale sighed in relief. “We should probably get some sleep. I have a feeling that we’re going to be needing it tomorrow.”

  
  
  
  
  


Crowley woke up in the morning to sunlight streaming onto his face through the window next to the bed. Aziraphale was still lying peacefully beside him and he really didn’t have the heart to wake him. Besides, it would be nice to stay in bed and it’s not like he could exactly move with how Aziraphale’s arm was wrapped tightly around him. 

After about 30 minutes, give or take, Aziraphale finally stirred. 

“Morning, Angel,” Crowley greeted him with a soft smile. 

“Good morning, dear. What time is it?” Aziraphale asked as he sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. 

“About 10 o’clock.”

“Alrea-“ Aziraphale cut himself off with a yawn. “Already?”

“I’m afraid so. When do we have to leave to get up there, anyways?”

“10:30, preferably.”

“Then we should probably get up,” Crowley suggested with a sigh. 

“You’re the one who’s still laying down, Crowley,” Aziraphale teased with a smile. 

“Touché,” Crowley grumbled as he sat up as well. He snapped his fingers and his clothes instantly changed. Nothing too formal, it  _ was _ just Heaven, after all. No, he was wearing his usual black suit, with a black shirt underneath and his neck tassel thing. 

“Shall we?” Crowley offered his arm to Aziraphale, who had also changed into different clothes. Well, different wasn’t exactly the best way to put it, as he tended to wear the same thing on a day to day basis. But his clothes appeared to be newer and with less wrinkles. 

“We shall.” Aziraphale smiled and took Crowley’s arm, who immediately miracled them both into the car. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the hiatus! I finally managed to get some time to write this chapter and the next but I'm really sorry for not updating for 4 months!


	44. Chapter 44

The drive to Heaven was uneventful and tense, as to be expected. Crowley didn’t know if he found say anything without having a mental breakdown and Aziraphale was too worried about how the trial would go to attempt talking to Crowley. 

They didn’t say a word once they were out of the car either, but they did stop at the bottom of the escalator to smile reassuringly at each other. 

When they arrived in the courtroom, there were only 2 other angels there- Metatron and  _ Gabriel _ . That was because an angel falling- even more so an  _ archangel _ \- was a very private thing. No angel would want their sins to be on display. 

“Now that everyone’s here, we can start,” Metatron’s booming voice echoed around the room once the doors closed. “Calling the witness to the stand- name his sins, please.”

“Alright, well-“ Crowley’s throat tightened and he nervously swallowed when Gabriel’s eyes fixated on him. He didn’t let himself look back. Instead, he focused on the burning sensation of holy ground on his feet. “-He… forced me to do… things that I didn’t want to do. He blackmailed me, saying that he would hurt Aziraphale if I didn’t comply. And from what I know, he actually had hurt Aziraphale on at least one occasion, if not more.” 

“Gabriel, is there anything you have to say for yourself?” 

“No, I do admit that I did that. However, can I talk to Aziraphale? I would like to apologize,” Gabriel asked, gesturing for Aziraphale to come closer with a surprisingly remorseful look on his face. 

Aziraphale walked closer to Gabriel, until he could easily hear what he had to say. “What is it?”

“I’m sorry for this. For everything.”

Aziraphale nodded. He couldn’t bring himself to reply to Gabriel. 

“Alright then, I pronounce you guilty. You will now fall for your crimes,” Metatron said. Then he snapped, quickly leaving the courtroom, and the floor opened up below Gabriel. 

Everything happened so fast. One moment, the floor was opening beneath Gabriel, and the next, Aziraphale was falling with Gabriel. Gabriel had his hand wrapped around Aziraphale’s wrist and they were both  _ falling _ and there was nothing that Crowley could do-  _ why wasn’t there something he could do, why was he so useless why why why _ \- Aziraphale’s screams cut through his thoughts and he could do anything more than watch as his angel fell with the smirking archangel next to him. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	45. Chapter 45

Crowley went to Hell after that. He needed to retrieve Aziraphale. He wouldn’t let them have their way with him and he certainly wouldn’t let Aziraphale suffer through the same torture that he did. 

It was surprisingly easy to grab the unconscious Aziraphale and teleport back to the bookstore. 

Crowley set Aziraphale down on the bed gently and immediately went to grab a wet washcloth. He washed the dirt and ash off of his angel’s face and miracled him a clean set of clothes. After that, he gently rolled Aziraphale onto his side so he could clean and bandage his wings. Then all he could do was wait. 

  
  
  
  
  


Aziraphale woke up a few days later, screaming in pain. Crowley immediately jumped up from his seat next to the bed. 

“Aziraphale? Aziraphale, are you okay?”

“C-Crowley? What happened?”

“Gabriel… he made you Fall with him…” Crowley explained, gritting his teeth in anger. If he ever saw the ex-archangel again he swore that he would rip his throat out and let him drown in a pond of alligators. 

“Oh… That would explain the pain in my wings.” Aziraphale winced and turned around to look at his wings, but he could turn quite enough. “What exactly happened down there?”

“From the way your wings are charred and the cuts and bruises, I'd say you took a pretty nasty tumble. You weren't down there too long, but you still smell of sulfur and ash.”

“I do?” Aziraphale glanced back at his wings. He couldn't exactly see his wings through the bandages though. “...Oh.”

“How are you feeling, angel?”

“I’m feeling tired and in pain, mostly.”

“You were just in Hell, Angel,” Crowley smiled at Aziraphale. “If you’re tired, then get some rest. I’ll still be here when you wake up. I promise.”

“Alright. Thank you, Crowley.” With that, Aziraphale closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep. 

Crowley smiled sadly at the sleeping angel. He tucked the blanket securely around Aziraphale. After that, he carefully changed Aziraphale’s bandages, not wanting to wake him up. 

Then, Crowley went back to waiting by Aziraphale’s side, gently holding his hand. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be the last update for a few days, as it's the last prewritten chapter and I have finals to study for


	46. Chapter 46

Aziraphale finally woke up again a few days later, with Crowley still next to him. Crowley immediately sat up and smiled at Aziraphale. 

“How are you feeling?” Crowley asked, worry evident on his face. 

“Better. My wings don’t hurt as much. Aziraphale sat up with a wince. “Thank you for taking care of me, Crowley. I appreciate it.”

“You don’t need to thank me, angel. I’m sure you would have done the same for me if our situations were reversed.”

“I would,” Aziraphale confirmed. “And even though I got dragged into Hell for a while, I’m glad that Gabriel can’t bother you any more.”

“Angel, you were hurt. I would much rather deal with him than for you to get hurt,” Crowley said. 

“Well, I got better, didn’t I?” Aziraphale said with a smile.

“Yes, but… I just don’t want you to be in pain. Especially not for me-  _ because _ of me.”

“I stopped the apocalypse with you, didn’t I? I don’t think something so little as falling into Hell for a little bit could be a bigger thing than that,” Aziraphale insisted. “And it wasn’t your fault, Crowley, so don’t blame yourself.”

“I…” Crowley trailed off, unsure.

“It was Gabriel’s fault, not yours,” Aziraphale said and placed his hand gently over Crowley’s.

“...Okay. Thank you, Aziraphale,” Crowley said with a smile.

“Oh, don’t thank me Crowley. I should be thanking you,” Aziraphale insisted.

“For what?”

“For taking care of me. For being here for me. For everything, really,” Aziraphale explained.

“I’ll always be here for you, angel. No matter what,” Crowley said sincerely.

“Thank you. I’ll always be here for you too, Crowley,” Aziraphale said. He leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to Crowley’s cheek. “To you. To the world.”

Crowley blinked and a smile spread across his face. “To the world.” He looked at Aziraphale. “To the love of my life.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's the end of it! I decided against a sequel, but I hope you enjoyed the fic!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry but I'm incapable of not writing angst. Please let me know if you have any suggestions or criticism!
> 
> Also I'll probably be updating this every day, I have 10 chapters planned out so far!


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